Monday, July 31, 2006

Ok, here we go. Its dorky meme game time

Here we have the first line of 25 songs that popped up on my iTunes today.
The game is trying to name the song and artist, WITHOUT USING A SEARCH ENGINE!!! (or similar cheaty using anything but your brain)
Not a one of them is NZ music, because I didn't think that would be fair to the Americans/Canadians/Australians/other non-Kiwis.

1) I wanted to buy you shiny red things, thought I’d be with you all til the end

2) The walls you build up, stone by stone

3) It ain’t no use to sit and wonder why babe, it don’t matter anyhow
#3 is "Don't think twice, it's alright" by Bob Dylan

4) I want your soul, I’ll eat your soul
#4 has gotta be the Aphex Twin - Come To Daddy..
fishboy | Homepage | 07.31.06 - 9:42 pm | #

5) Oh, can’t anybody see? We’ve got a war to fight, never found our way, regardless of what they say
And 8 is Roads by Portishead

Oops I meant #5 is Roads

6) I’m a black rainbow, I’m an ape of God
6 is Marilyn Manson, "Disposable Teens"

7) I found her on a night of fire and noise, wild bells rang in a wild sky
#7 is Do You Love Me by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

#7 is "Do You Love Me" by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

8) I’m gonna pull you in close, gonna wrap you up tight, gonna play with the braids you came with tonight
Isn't #8 Interpol? Ummm.. Obstacle II?

9) Words like violence, break the silence, come crashing in, into my little world
#9 is Enjoy the Silence by Depeche Mode.

10) 2am and she calls me cos I’m still awake, can you help me unravel my latest mistake, I don’t love him, winter just wasn’t my season
#10 is Breathe by Anna Nalick

11) I got the understanding of a four year old, I’ve got the peace of mind of a killer soul
Also 11 was on the Spawn soundtrack and it's called "Trip Like I Do" or something. Can't remember the artist right now.
J reminded me it was Filter and Crystal Method.

12) I can't stand it I know you planned it, but I'm gonna set it straight, this Watergate
Ok I'm going with Sabotage by the Beasties for 12.
PS I'm in Paris! They drive like fucking lunatics here..

13) Stayed true to the things I knew when I was younger, and food and love was all but left to hunger

14) The gold road's sure a long road, winds on through the hills for fifteen days. The pack on my back is aching, the straps seem to cut me like a knife
#14 is the Stone Roses - Fool's Gold

15) I’ve come a long, long way since the day you walked into my life

16) I called you brazen, called you whore right to your face, and watched you silently and publicly disgraced

17) You're all that I have and you're all that I need, Each and every day I pray to get to know you please

18) You look like a perfect fit, for a girl in need of a tourniquet
#18 is "Save Me" by Aimee Mann.

19) Geeks do not have pedigrees or perfect punk rock resumes or anorexic magazines it smells like girl it smells like girl

20) Ladies, gentlemen, somebody ring the alarm, there’s a fire in the room
#20 is a personal favourite, Dirrty by Christina Aguilera

21) Maybe I don’t really wanna know how your garden grows

22) He must smoke spum dames by our lay, Charge are we nicks he'll needs our first very edge, Now beautiful I'll tell my mind, Cloud mannered a lot

23) it's bugging me, grating me, and twisting me around, yeah I'm endlessly caving in, and turning inside out

24) Good times for a change, see the luck I’ve had, can make a good man turn bad

25) Once the dogs have quit their barking, Son; my neighbour said to me; Know the emptiness of talking blue, the same old sheep

Let the games begin....

12 down, 13 to go.
So far the winner is fishboy, with 3 correct answers.

We can do better than this though. I can't believe no ones got number 12 yet!

Sunday, July 30, 2006

In three weeks I'll be in L.A. I hope its cooled down a bit.

Underwear notwithstanding, and as long as I am not wearing my jersey, I am not wearing any black clothes today. Even my shoes are blue.
I can't actually remember the last time this happened.

Also, I am working on a really lame post, the idea for which I flogged off

Ok bye.

Friday, July 28, 2006

One day we'll all be old and I'll be so damn beautiful

Oh dear it appears I have come down with several malaises simultaneously. Firstly we have writers block, followed by a hardy case of the sleepies, combined with a sturdy helping of "can't be fucked-itis". Also, the dreaded 3 month neck-related headache is back. I took some drugs that my nice doctor gave me, and they seem to be doing the trick, although they may explain the sleepiness.
I was going to do loads of work in the next hour and a half before I go out, but perhaps I will lie on my bed and watch Firefly instead.

Actually what I really need is a drink. Is that bad?

Monday, July 24, 2006

Rock is dead

I can't believe I didn't get any comments on that last post, it was HI-LARIOUS!!
You are without humour and that hits me in my sad place.

But here's something to cheer you up a little....
The other day I made the mistake of weighing myself, given that I have done very little since I got home other than eat and drink. Now, I have never been stick thin, and I would rather eat my own eyeballs than be one of those obsessively thin boring people, because quite frankly life without blue cheese and merlot is not a life worth living...anyway.
I was curious, because my black trousers have mysteriously shrunk a little...and lo and behold.
In the last 2 months I have gained a whopping FOUR KILOS!!!! Thats a not-entirely-unimpressive EIGHT POINT EIGHT POUNDS!!!!

What a fat cow.
When I get on the plane to go back to America I will get charged excess baggage for my arse.
Lovely. Seeing as how I have taken an oath to never ever diet or give up wine, I find myself exercising. Today I went for a brisk walk (in the lovely winter sun, btw, which was a bit smashing) forgetting of course that directly after work I am going out for dinner and will therefore possibly pong a bit....*hurriedly texts her sister saying please bring spray on deodorant so the rest of the table doesn't asphyxiate themselves in their fettucine by way of avoiding my stinkiness*....

But as it turns out, a brisk half hour walk in the afternoon actually makes one feel all sorts of energetic and perky.
I may well continue doing it.

Now I'm sure I had all sorts of exciting things to report about how fascinating I am and how my life is one continuous celebration of awesomeness, but I'm buggered if I can remember them....

I think my sidebar needs updating....who should I link?


Friday, July 21, 2006

A letter from the British Home Office to the People of America

To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed".
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires", e.g., Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play
proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2010. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys.
"Merde" is French for "shit".
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.
Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian, though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your cooperation.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

I Am Writing This Post On My Cellphone Lying In Bed Because I Can. Shiny. I Can't Figure Out Why Each New Word Must Start With A Capital But Maybe I Could Read The Instructions. Ok Sweet Dreams.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

How can we dance when our earth is turning?....'s up?

I went to Wellington and drank margaritas with H and B.
I won a phone that is allegedly worth $600.
I feel like arse because I think I'm getting a wee cold.
I bought 3 cds.

And now I'm going home.

In one month I will be in LA. Then....back to the salt mines.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

244001991, 2440, 0, Iran, Iran, Muhajadeen Khalq, 3, 13/08/1971, 1991

News just to hand......
Deleting lines of information in Excel files to avoid replicating data because the powers that be decided it would be a good idea to code each year of continued conflict as a separate incident and thus make my life more difficult because one's boss is asking for half a dozen tables to put in the chapter that we wrote and all the information is buried somewhere within this massive data set that as I said has each year of conflict coded as a separate incident who the fuck thought that was a good idea anyway my point is deleting line upon line of information in Excel files is EXTREMELY FUCKING TEDIOUS!!!!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

What was the sky like when you were young?

The other night I had a dream that I was pregnant and CSI Warrick Brown (phwoar!) was my baby daddy, but for some reason unknown to me, I had no recollection of actually making the beast with two backs with him, so I felt a bit ripped off. There was no implication of any shady roofie-related action, it was all above board, but I knew I would be having his baby.
Psychoanalyse that!!

Last night's dreams were too horrible to be retold here, but its been a good few months since I've woken up screaming. Maybe that means I've finally beaten my demons. Or perhaps they're just regrouping to make another attack. Cheeky fuckers.

Have to fill out a grant application now.
"Dear Nice People. Please give me an embarrasingly large stack of money. I deserve it because I am awesome. Love Claire"

Wish me luck. And someone please make me a lovely new template, preferably in red and black. Cheers.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Some sage-like wisdom for a Tuesday.

Do not follow me, for I may not lead.
Do not lead me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, for the path is narrow.
In fact, just fuck off and leave me alone.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to AA meetings.

Ahhh......Monday morning hangovers! This is the life.
So I was all set to achieve great things yesterday, until my sister handed me my first glass of champagne at approximately 2pm. I was half cut by 3.30....most of the day is a blur. There were lots of little children running around, I remember that. I also remember having a wee nap on the sofa and waking up to discover I had missed CSI. Oops, good thing I'd seen it already!
Felt a bit bloody crook this morning, managed to haul my fat arse out of bed a little after 9am, only cos I remembered that Angel was on Sky 1, so I got my Buffyverse fix for the morning.

Of course, a day's drinking was just what I needed, after a wee few wines at the rugby on Saturday night. There's really nothing quite like watching the mighty All Blacks give those Aussies the bitch-slapping they so richly deserved......Bring on the rest of the TriNations so we can kick the South Africans too!!! The new haka is a bit cool too, as much as I loved the Ka Mate one this new Kapa O Pango achieves the same effect: scaring the shite out of the opposition and giving all New Zealanders goosebumps.

If anyone interesting has plans to be in LA in August, from the 17th to the 21st, come and have a drink with Sunshine and I. I'm sure she has much debauchery planned.

There is nothing much going on this weekend so I think I'll go to Wellington. Booya.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

The Art of War, Lesson One: Know your enemy

Ok check out this woman in the photo with the handsome man.
Yes, she's very pretty, and she has a nice frock, and I'm sure she's a very nice person.


Does she come from a good South Island family?
Does she have a double major Bachelor's degree, an Honours degree, a Graduate Diploma of Arts (with distinction), and a Master's degree in Political Science (with merit)?
Does she have a 3.7 GPA at a top social science school in New York?
Does her family have a very nice house with a spa in Wanaka?
Does she have ridiculously long legs?
Did she spend a summer in the Greek Islands doing nothing much aside from drinking and bungy jumping?
In about 4 years, will she be the proud owner of a shiny new PhD?
Can she tie a knot in a cherry stalk with her tongue?
Does she have pretty, albeit unmanageable red curls?
Is she a fantastically good cook?
Does she have the scrummiest chocolate brown knee high leather boots in the world?
Can she scratch her forehead with her big toe?
Can she talk informedly for long periods about the hegemonic discourses of development and colonialism, or the implications for political economy of modes of production?
Does her Daddy have a plane?

So nya nya pretty lady who is dating Nathan Fillion, you may have a gorgeous and much coveted boyfriend, but I have all these other cool things as well, many of which I am sure you do not have, and I am going to keep repeating them to myself until I feel better about you stealing my imaginary boyfriend.