Monday, June 28, 2004

Even the tennis is out to get me

Yet another reason why Lleyton Hewitt is a complete Knob.
(yes, thats meant to be a capital K. I'm making a point).
Hes a dick, he does ads for toilet paper, he is extremely annoying looking, his girlfriend looks like she should be his sister, hes Australian, hes a dick, AND he had the audacity to beat Goran.
Did I mention that Lleyton Hewitt SUCKS ARSE!!!!!!!!

That is all.

Sunday, June 27, 2004


Dog stops rampant killing spree
Yet another reason why dogs are quite possibly the nicest people on this planet.
Puppies all around.

Friday, June 25, 2004


OK, so maybe the Beastie Boys' version of "Benny and the Jets" is old news, but its news to me. Anyway, heres another one for ya.
Listening to the radio this morning, half way between sleeping and waking, and I'm sure the dj was talking about Blue's Clues. To cut a long story short, Steve from Blue's Clues is actually a musician, and has made an album, and they played the first song from it this morning. Its actually quite good.
But because I was all sleepy, I had to google it to make sure I hadn't dreamt it. I found this. Cool.

I was listening to the radio this morning, as one is wont to do, and bless their wee socks if they didn't play a whole hour of Beastie Boys!! But in the middle of all this aural goodness, what should pop up but quite possibly the most random moment in radio this year.....
The Beastie Boys, doing a live cover, note for note, of Elton John's "Benny and the Jets".

This time next week, a fantasy of procrastination.
This time next week:
- Two very lucky academics will have a copy of my thesis in their hot little hands
- I will have slept for more than seven hours in one go
- The bags under my eyes will have gone away (I hope)
- The knots in my back will have gone (ditto)
- I will have got home before midnight
- I can stop drinking the evil Coca Cola to stay awake
- I will have tidied my bedroom
- I would have sat on the sofa for more than half an hour
- I will have eaten something I cooked myself
- My friends will be reminded of what I look like
- I will have had a day of girly luxury, involving back massages and beauty treatments
- I will have gone for a walk in the hills with my sister and her baby
- I will be in my posh frock
- I will be at Home (the bar, not my house)
- I will have at least two exotic cocktails in my system, and another on the go
And life will be back to normal.

Until me obi won kenobi!!

This has been an interesting learning curve though, and not just in terms of the subject matter. Its quite impressive how much the body can cope with, and without!
Still, glad I don't have to do it permanently. When (If) I get hooked up with this PhD programme, I at least have the MA experience under my belt so that (a) I know how to plan large pieces of work sufficiently so that I don't have to pull 14 hour days at the computer for 6 weeks straight, and (b)if the excrement does indeed hit the airconditioning, I at least know how far I can push it.

But!! Its not over yet, and on that note, one must adjourn to the aforementioned body of work, and finish the little bastard off!! (Fuck!! I still have so much to do!!! Fuck!!)
Five days to go. 117.25 hours. Piece of piss.

Sunday, June 20, 2004


Dear Tom
I am writing to apply for the position of "your girlfriend".
Last night I saw "The Punisher", and my friend, we need to talk. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of these stalker types, or a bandwagon jumper whos only interested in you because of a recent movie. I thought you were well fit in "Deep Blue Sea", and I rented "The Velocity of Gary" for more than its cool title. Having seen your recent efforts has merely confirmed my suspicions.
We need to hook up. Badly.
No really, I think we'd be great together! Let me tell you a bit about myself, and why I'd be the best girlfriend ever.
I very nearly have an MA in political science, and I am the proud owner of a post graduate degree in English, therefore am qualified to have informed intellectual discussion on the great works of literature and politics, which comes in very handy at dinner parties. I also have a tiny bit of modelling experience, which makes me qualified to dress up in designer labels at glittery Hollywood events, make small talk with the beautiful people, and act as your personal ornament. I also was a chef for several years, and am therefore somewhat of a whizz in the kitchen.
In my spare time I like to change car tyres wearing Daisy Dukes and singlet tops, bake muffins and give shoulder massages. I have a house in the mountains for those romantic winter getaways, as well as a hell of a right upper-cut to get rid of those annoying paparazzi types. I also have strawberry blonde hair and ridiculously long legs.
I sincerely hope you will consider me for the position of "Tom's girlfriend", and I quiver in gleeful anticipation of your reply.
Yours delusionally,
58 pages of goodness

Oh yeah baby, I am so kicking arse!!! Actually I haven't read the last 12 pages I just wrote, so it might suck, but hey, at least its done.
All the signs of an imminent cold are here. Uhoh!!
Sore muscles, headache, sneezes, itchy eyes, scratchy throat. Fuck it, I don't care if I get the fucking ebola virus, I'm finishing this thesis Wednesday week. I'll be sitting here, bleeding out my ears, with various body parts falling off onto the floor, but I'll have my thesis finished. Of course I'll be dead, but hey. Priorities.

In other news, I was that thing you are when you're not right when I said about only one week left of 24. They confused me by starting it in the middle of the day, when the others start in the morning. Silly Claire. Thankfully theres lots more of 24 to go, and although I know some of what happens, thanks to the irresistible lure of the website, it will console me until er returns. Yes, only 1 week to go. Bastards.
Anyway, off to go see The Punisher bring the smackdown on some punk bitches. Like the punk bitches I brought the smackdown on last night, who were pissing me off by being VERY FUCKING NOISY at the park next to my house on a motorbike. They were on a bike, not my house. I'm not very nice at the best of times, let alone exceedingly stressed and tired and grumpy late at night. I think I scared them sufficiently, and sent them crying back home to their mamas. Yeah.
Also, Nike wins todays prize of best text message: "I think not, baby puppy. It is you who are mistaken...I'm well hungover." Competition opens again tomorrow, so get your texting thumbs working!!!
Later, gator.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Mmmmmm. Thesis.

In the last two days I have managed to crank out 37 pages of final-copy-version thesis from all the boxes full of disorderly scribbles that decorate my office and clutter up my hard drive.
This is a good thing and a bad thing.
Good thing: It has been not too excruciating, it makes sense, says what I want to say and sounds reasonably academic without being a wank-fest.
Bad thing: I have written nearly ten thousand words, and completed one full chapter and two-thirds of another. Which means, I have about thirty thousand words left (give or take a few thousand) to write all the case studies, which is probably about 10-15 thou, plus the assessment, about 10 thou, plus chapter four giving an analysis of outcome, about another 5-10 thou, plus the summary and conclusion, plus the introduction. So, in reality, I have about 40 thousand words left of thesis that needs to be written, and approximately 30 thousand words in which to say it. Bugger.
Some geezer once said that brevity is the soul of wit, but I guess he neglected to mention that it sure as shit is not the soul of academia.
Example: "Immediately post conflict, there exists a range of needs that must be met in a time sensitive manner for the sake of stability. As noted above, violent civil conflict possesses the ability to divide and destroy societies, to render the state ineffectual in the delivery of basic services, and create extreme poverty. To reduce the risk of conflict reoccurring, post conflict recovery must deliver results that address the causes of conflict, and are easily visible to those involved in the conflict".
When really, all you need to say is: "Make projects work fast, or they'll start killing each other again, and then you're really in the shit".
But thats the joy of it really, why say something in ten words when you can use 45? But I think if I handed in something written in my normal potty-mouth style, it would get handed right back. After 15 months, I suppose I had better make it not suck, plus, it makes me sound cleverer than I really am. Hence all the big words.
Theres a fairly significant chance that in the next couple of weeks all I will be ranting about is my thesis (gosh Claire, that'll make a nice change!!), but given that I'm writing the final copy, I'm sure you can all get over it in time. Either that, or stop reading for a few days. Presuming of course, that you are reading....

In other news: Brickbat to some crap orchestra in Macau who didn't give a job to my cousin the musical genius. Don't worry Stacey, they'll already be kicking themselves, cos you are awesome. As is my sister.

That is all.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004


This be funny.

And....thats about all I have for today. And I stole it off someone.
There ain't a damn thing you can do about it either!!!
Mwaaahhhaaaahaaaa...(descends into hysterical/psycho/evil genius/completely batty laugh, followed by the sounds of the nice men in the white coats with the pretty coloured pills coming to visit. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, YOU BASTARDS!!!)

We will return to our regular programming schedule in about..... oh I don't know, a geological age or two?

Love and huggles
Trixie FluffyPants McLalaboinkyboink

Sunday, June 13, 2004


I've come across this wonderful site, the complete edition of Murphy's Law, and its not the tired old version either, theres all new ways of being cynical and jaded!!! So, needless to say, I spent far too much of my valuable writing time cutting and pasting all the good ones onto a document for my perusal.
Examples: A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again. Anything free is worth what you paid for it (like Nic's three categories of alcohol: good, bad, free.). Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime, for a first offence that is. A little ignorance can go a long way. A closed mouth gathers no feet. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I could go on. In fact, I will.
Common sense is not that common. To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a computer. If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. All general statements are false. Keep up with the Fletchers, cos you'll never make enough money to keep up with the Joneses. If you cannot convince them, confuse them. When you are sure you are right, it is your moral duty to impose your will on anyone who disagrees with you, also known as the Foundation of American Foreign Policy Dictum. A Smith and Wesson beats four Aces.
And, my particular favourite: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.

Yes, thats about the level we are operating at today. Hey, its Sunday, and I have 17 days to finish my thesis.
Phil has kindly joined in my countdown on the whiteboard in my office, but his reads five days to go. Panic, maybe? No, unfortunately that is not his thesis deadline, but when the little bastard is going to Hawaii for a month. Yeah, cos I really need to be reminded of that.

In other news, there is only one week left of 24. I can't fucking believe he shot Chappelle!!! I have no idea how they're going to pull this one off, but I just hope Michelle doesn't die, shes cool.
Going to Libby's for tea. Yay for Mums!!!
Later, skaters.

Saturday, June 12, 2004

"You're a wizard 'Arry!!"

I went to see the new Harry Potter movie last night; Harry Potter and the Pensioner of Uzbekistan. And, IT IS GOOD!!!
Like the books get progressively more complex, this is a faster and more complicated and less obvious movie than the first two, and a wee bit scarier. But very very very cool.
According to certain people very near and dear to me, Hermione is on her way to becoming a "smokin' hottie". However, she is indeed very awesome, and punches Malfoy in the face. Convincingly. Nice work.
In other news, my thesis is currently curled up with a smug satisfied look on its face, smoking a cigarette, as a result of all the loving it has been receiving. It is being seen to good and proper, beyond a doubt. All the writing, and planning, and referencing, and assessment, and spreadsheets, and organising, and literature reviewing, and evaluation, and theories; the poor wee thing has never received this much attention! So I'd best leave it to have a wee rest, while I head off to the work I get paid for, while the work I'm actually interested in has a cup of tea and a lie down.
You know, I am constantly amazed by customers at work who are impressed that I can remember four orders. The fact that they are impressed at my ability to do this very simple task does not bode well for the general state of the Christchurch hospitality industry. I mean, its waitressing, not exactly rocket science.
Anyway, gotta go, gotta Pay The Man.
Keepin' it real since 1976,

Thursday, June 10, 2004

The days are all blending into each other

It is currently 2.54 am, and I have just finished my country profiles to impress my supervisors with at our meeting tomorrow am. Actually in just under 7 and a half hours. Oopsy.
Just thought I'd let you all know I'm still alive. Hester pointed out that I may be working my arse off, thankfully the Tim Tams and pasta I am chowing through are ensuring that my arse is most certainly not going anywhere.
Thesis is getting loads of attention, and is fair groaning under the weight of all the love it has been receiving. I have my spreadsheets, I have my explanatory sections, I have a bunch of stuff on the nature of conflict and the World Bank, I have the project backgrounds and mandates, I have all the theory on policy and project assessment, I even have a wee bit on poverty and project indicators I hope to squeeze in there somewhere. Now all that remains is to put it all together. Hmmm.

In other news, I am Westley. Kind of disturbing really, seeing as how hes the one I really fancied. Oh dear. Is that like that time when I was at work and happened to mention to Tamara that a particular chap on one of my tables was really quite good-looking, and she responded with "of course you think hes hot. He looks just like you". Oops.
Just to clarify matters, I don't fancy myself. Really.
Oh my, Freud would have a field day with me. Provided of course he could pull himself away from the industrial strength, catering pack of cocaine he snorted everyday.
Right. Stop now, its starting to get silly.
You're not making any sense Claire. (haha, what a fucking surprise)
Nighty night then.

Monday, June 07, 2004


I have been web-less all day. Given my current state of fiscal deficit, I no longer have access to the university system. It also doesn't help that I've used up all the funds the department gives MA students as well, of course I used it for research purposes, and not for faffing about on the internet or downloading music. No siree Bob.
So I can check my university email account on the department computers, but I can't get access to the internet, or on the network via the connection in my office. So I use the department computers to check my account, and I'm $1.18 overdrawn. Fair enough. I happen to have a $2 coin in my pocket, so off I go to the library to put said coin on my account, thereby enabling myself to blog and waste time on the internet, instead of crunching data, like I should be doing.
But no, its Queens birthday holiday, isn't it, so the library is closed. Nevermind, I think, I can use the wee machine in the Loft to top up my account. So, I swipe my card, get in the lift, and toddle on up to the 5th floor. Found: one account top up machine. In goes the card to be topped up, and the $2 coin comes out of my pocket, with the intention of going into said machine. But no. Some git decided that it would be a really good idea to make the Loft machine capable of taking only notes to top up accounts, leaving Claire standing there looking like a complete twat.
Honestly, do you think that the kind of person that is going to be topping up their account outside of library hours is likely to be the kind of person that carries money in note form? I mean, it appears blindingly obvious that we are not the most organised type of people, we can't even make it to the library to fix up our computer accounts before a holiday weekend, do you really think that financial planning is high on our "To Do" lists? Come on people!!! Sort it out.
But as you can see, I have made it home safely, and am using my non-fascist home connection. Yay.
I have been crunching data all day in an attempt to prove my thesis point. The good news is, I'm right. (well der!!!) The numbers are proving me to be so, and therefore all is well. By the time I get up tomorrow (technically today, its 1.35pm and I love BBC world) I will have 22 days left.

I have but one thing to say to my thesis: TASTE MY PAIN, BITCH!!!!

Saturday, June 05, 2004

(Insert witty and engaging title here)

I'm a generally unfuckwitted, liberal, tight as fuck, relatively well adjusted human being!
See how compatible you are with me!
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

Yes, I've been really busy!! No really, I have. I have spent the last five or so hours searching through the web, trying to find data from the early 1990s on the indicators I have come up with to prove my point. It seems to me that it shouldn't be too hard to find data on imports and exports as percentage of GDP, conventional arms transfers, internally displaced persons and proportion of primary commodity goods of total exports from 1991 in Rwanda, Djibouti, Angola, Sierra Leone and Cambodia, but surprisingly enough, its a bit tricksier that anticipated. And so its after 7pm on a Saturday, and I'm not out partying, but sitting at a computer with a hot water bottle on my feet like the old nana that I am, doing work. But hey, only 25 more days of geekdom, then I get sweet, glorious sleep!!! Oh yeah.
I must admit, I am a little intimidated by Soma's ability to churn words out at an alarming rate. Little buggers going to be finished before me!! Nevermind, he doesn't have people at the World Bank who want to read his thesis. Probably doesn't want them either, but thats beside the point!!
The wee brain is going bananas over all these universities that Dr Supervisor wants me to apply to for a PhD. So I'm trying really hard to not think about it, and instead think about all these numbers I have to make sense of in order to finish this degree, before I can even think about starting another.
Its kind of funny, or maybe kind of sad (insert song here), that in the few years that I was not at uni, I was hanging to get back here, and now its nearly time to leave, I'm trying to plan another degree!! I'm sure its a defence mechanism, so that I never have to go out into the big bad world and make my own way, but it is also true that I am a nerd. Always have been, always will be. I've got the glasses and everything to prove it.
I have been at school for nearly 21 years. Not too bad, given that I've just turned 28. So if I get into one of these flash PhD programmes, thats another five years. 26 years of school. Wow. "Claire: reaching new heights of nerdity since 1980".
Better go make some sense of all this data. What a Saturday night. Rock on.

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

I'm just a girl, take a good look at me

Been listening to No Doubt. Yeah.

In the absence of a real post, and because I feel like sharing, and because its 1am, and cos I'm in that sort of mood, heres a list of interesting facts about yours truly.
(Me, me, me, I'm sick of talking about me, you talk about me for a while).

- I am terrified, to the very core of my being, of submarines. Really. No, I don't know why. Maybe I have some repressed childhood submarine trauma. Or maybe its cos they're REALLY FUCKING FREAKY!!!!!
- My favourite colour is red.
- My hair, however, is not red, it is strawberry blonde.
- I miss my dog. Hes in heaven.
- Dodgy knees and neck problems are my family's tribal curse.
- I read "To Kill A Mockingbird" at least twice a year. It restores my faith in humanity.
- When I step on different coloured floors I can feel the difference in the colours through the soles of my feet.
- I want to go to Africa.
- I wish I was an artist.
- I am a crap artist.
- I have one photo of the only boy I've ever really loved, and he has the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. Still.
- I really like my feet.
- I swear far too much.
- I had skin cancer when I was 24. Its gone now. Yay.
- Three times I've thought I was going to die. That was not one of them.
- I have a major weakness for good-looking blokes in black turtle-neck jerseys.
- If I have a daughter I will call her Katharine, after Mrs Clifton in "The English Patient". Or maybe after Catherine from "Wuthering Heights".
- My legs are nearly 115 centimetres long.
- I am completely fucked without my best friend.
- I can wish away pain most of the time.
- I think my mum is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen.
- I use far too much hot water.
- Hole's second album "Live Through This" changed my life.
- Somedays I feel like I've lived for a hundred years.
- I am lucky beyond comprehension.
- I love tomatoes, horses and Greek food.
- I really don't have too many issues with the way I look.
- My mental health could easily be bought into question in a court of law.
- Very few of my friends know that much about me. I like it that way.
- I tend to remember things about my life in the third person.
- I am very absorptive of other people's idiosyncracies.
- I worry too much about the wrong things.

That is all.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

Its Poll Time, People

Option one: get a job.
Pros: get paid, make a parental unit happy.
Cons: Lifetime of "what if.."

Option two: tend to the notion in my head, planted at Friday's supervisory meeting.
Pros: Get a PhD, answer the eternal question "what if...", get to add another adventure to my list, get to live in another country for five years, have a hell of a thing to put on my CV, resulting in far better job and more of the aforementioned paid-ness, get loads of teaching experience at flash university, potentially get paid for doing so, meet loads of new people.
Cons: Have to live in another country for five years, won't be finished PhD until age 32 (ish), miss more years of Alexander, Samantha and Rosemary, have a disappointed parental unit, only get to see family once or twice a year, miss New Zealand, have to forgo 5 Super 12 seasons, will need to get my Tim Tams and Weetbix imported, have to meet loads of new people and drive on the wrong side of the road.