Sunday, December 31, 2006

So Xmas came and went, and so did NYE and now I'm finally blogging. This must be the first New Years Day in about a gajillion years that I'm not hungover, perhaps the solitary glass of wine I consumed has something to do with that. I've been sick for a few days so taking it easy. Mostly better now, just really tired. I am about to be left at home with two little girls so I might call my mum to come and help me.
Cricket tomorrow so I need to get into town and get a proper beige brigade top so I can impress all the poncies in the corporate box.

Update: My way-more-socially-active-then-me mother has plans. Shit. Bring out the dvd collection!!

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Home again....

I have been travelling for over 28 hours with 2 hours sleep the night before and two 2 hour naps while travelling so I'm a little fried.
But I'm home now, and it is Good, and I think I shall have a little snooze.

I'm staying at my sister's house if you want to call me, and know the number....

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Note to self:

In the future, before you sit down to grade a whole bunch of exams, talk to your sister, play on the computer and have a 2 hour nap, take the vegetables out of the oven.
I have mad cooking skillz.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Well its a dirty job but someone's gotta do it

I just finished my last paper for the semester.
Now I don't know what to do. I am off house/dogsitting from tonight, so perhaps I will pack a bag and cook some food to take......
Then of course there is this stack of 40 final papers that need grading before I get on a plane on Monday to go home. Hmmmm.

Talked to the boy last night, he's still in Italy, going to India tomorrow if the standby gods be smiling upon him. I've decided that writing the Boy From Texas is a bit too much effort for blogging.... seeing as how I am in this whole half-arsed blogging phase. I must come up with a shorter nickname for him.... or I could just provide the initials of the nickname he already has!!!

Ok, really not going anywhere with this post am I?

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Live updates from the front

This morning, Chilean time, murderer, dictator and general bad egg Augusto Pinochet was recalled to the fiery pits of hell from whence he came.

In response to this news, Chileans flooded the streets of Santiago in mass celebrations and to protest the fact he was never made accountable for his actions. Additionally, there are still several Chileans who believe he saved their country from the scourge of Marxism, and despite the fact he was responsible for the deaths of over 3,000 people, have taken to the streets in mourning.
My point? The streets of Santiago are flooded with protests, marches and vigils.

So, guess where my sister is?

Yep. Landed in Santiago this morning. Is currently in the middle of an anti-Pinochet protest downtown. I just received an IM from her boyfriend, telling me that apparently shes getting some really good photos. I'm waiting for the IM saying shes been arrested/hit with tear gas/deported etc.
Ah, isn't life interesting?

Saturday, December 09, 2006

My friend Liberty reaches down and kisses me

1 down, 38 to go.
After he left I put his t-shirt on, the one I nicked a few days ago, and wore it the whole day. Now its a bit stinky, so its in the wash and I'm back to wearing my own clothes. Good news for those around me.
I had a pity party last night, where I sat in my jammies and his t-shirt and drank red wine and watched 3 episodes of Battlestar Galactica (am up to "Unfinished Business" now) and felt all sorry for myself, until I realised that I was being a pathetic loser. So I went to bed and slept for 10 hours....LUXURY!!
So now I've got 2 10 page papers to write before Monday, and 18 more pages of another paper to finish by Thursday, then 40 odd final exams to grade and a bunch of Xmas presents to buy and a bag to pack and in a week on Monday I'm leaving.....on a jet plane..... and coming back in January.

This post brought to you by Procrastination Inc.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

I need your grace to remind me to find my own

Best boyfriend ever update: He's madly busy, what with leaving for India on Friday and finishing up a semester's worth of work and all, but still managed to find time to come over briefly tonight so say hello and give me my Christmas present.

Sigh...... I am the luckiest girl in all of New York.

We will return to our regularly scheduled bitter rants at a later date.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Kinda kinda like I'm in love!!!!

So.... the doorbell rang about 6pm yesterday, it was my friend the UPS guy, with my new computer. I was so excited I actually jumped up and clapped and squealed a little, he had a wee laugh at my silliness and said "Its always nice to make someone's day". Dude's lucky I didn't kiss him.
Anyway, I am officially in love with my new toy, I spent the evening playing with it, installing stuff, making out with it etc. When I was setting it up my friends were over and we were watching Wallace and Gromit... so the installation popped up with "you need to name this computer". Imaginatively enough, my last one was called Claire..... so this one is called Gromit.

Meet Gromit, sitting on top of the old computer, to indicate its complete smallness and cuteness, and total superiority. Toshiba getting pwned.

Further indication of said smallness and cuteness. CD and pen added to indicate scale.

Wallace and the other Gromit.

In other news, please go and say Happy Burpday to Miss Grace.

I have photos of the awesomeness of NYC and the ugliness of NJ, but right now I have to do my washing so you will have to wait. Bask in my computer's awesomeness while you do so.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

This post brought to you by the number three....

Because 3 is the total hours of sleep I have had each night for the last two nights. It is also the number of states I got to snog a lovely boy in yesterday, the number of cups of tea I had in Manhattan, the amount of hours I have been watching television for, the glasses of wine it takes to get me drunk after so little sleep, the number of classes I had today, the number of papers I have yet to write before the semester is over, and the number of minutes until I will be sound asleep in my bed.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

If you thought I'd take your hurt away I'm sorry

1.53am.... not long now.
Because I am the Best GF Ever (tm) I am off to the Big City in a little over one hour. Yes, the Boy from Texas is off to India Friday week, and needs to get his visa. So, we're leaving at 3am to drive to NJ, park the car somewhere and take the tube to NYC (cos driving in Manhattan is about as much fun as a tumour) to get to the Indian Consulate at 8.15am, which is when they start accepting applications. At which point we will find ourselves a nice cafe (I'm shooting for the one at the Central Park zoo; they have nice hot chocolate and on study breaks I can go visit the penguins) where we will spend the day studying/doing homework/grading papers etc until (hopefully) the visa is ready to be picked up about 4pm. Then its back on the train, back to the car, and back to this armpit town. Fun times.

Hahaha, I think its dead funny that I'm going with my Indian bf to the Indian embassy.... but he's not Indian Indian, hes the other type of Indian. Ok maybe that's just funny to me.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Its better to die on your feet than live on your knees

I have approximately a gajillion (read: 32) essays to grade before the end of Wednesday and a paper to rewrite and resubmit so what did I do this evening? I wasted time on the intertron, I drank 2 glasses of fairly average red wine, I graded 2 papers, I talked to the bf who came over for a wee visit (sigh) and I watched Heroes. In my own defence, I actually saved time watching Heroes, because I had recorded it and could therefore fast forward through the ads. Holy shit....Niki?!?! Jessica?!?! Haha, Ben you will love this. Get downloading! Next week is the last one until January. Heroes is the shiznit.

I was having all sorts of ridiculous thoughts in my head (as opposed to the thoughts one gets in one's elbow.....) about the Boy from Texas and about how it was this and that and the other thing and then he came over today and I saw him and went SIGH and gave him a big snog and then we had a conversation about our mums and how cool they are (true story) and I realised that most of the time I need to not listen to the shit that my brain comes up with and just trust in This Thing because It Is Good and I'm convinced if I ignore my ridiculous residual psychological defences for long enough they will give up and go and live with someone who appreciates them because I am sick of all that shit about insecurity and stuff and things, and what is best is to just have A Little Faith and not be Miss Overanalysis and continue to wait for the other shoe to drop or whatever it is that drops when they show their true colours and leave or smash you into little pieces or hurt you in ways you can't describe in a family-friendly forum such as this and to appreciate the present and not compare it to stuff that isn't real or that happened years ago because if you do what you've always done you will get what you've always got which is why I am being so cautious and angsty about this despite the fact he is so easy to be around it is almost like I am alone when hes here which sounds a bit like an insult but is in fact one of the highest compliments I can think of to describe being around someone anyway we had a lovely conversation and then he went home to do a thing and now its late and I have to grade more papers.

Longest. Sentence. Ever.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Kitty cat lovin'

Yeah, he's cute, but he keeps trying to make out with me. Kind of gross, Finnegan.
Also its difficult to study when theres a cat sitting on your desk licking his bum. Again, kind of gross, Finnegan.

Last night's jukebox styles c/o yours truly:

1) Steve Earle; "Copperhead Road"
2) Melissa Etheridge; "I'm the only one"
3) Eminem; "Lose Yourself"
4) Sepultura; "Ratamahatta"
5) Poison; "Every Rose has its Thorns"

The pub was rocking.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Look out Turkeys!!!

Its Thanksgiving here in Amurica, so I'm cooking a pavlova, in keeping with my tradition of adding the Kiwi touch to everything.
Going to hang with some of the people who invented Thanksgiving, then off to a holiday orphans dinner to eat ourselves senseless.
Oh shit, I just employed the plural in reference to myself. Either I'm the Queen of England, or one of those annoying people who identifies themselves by reference to their relationship. Hmmmm.

Also, ordered a new computer. This one is back from the shop, in the same way that terminal cancer patients are sent home to spend their last remaining days with their loved ones.

Ok bye.

Saturday, November 18, 2006


Ok so we knew this day was coming..... my little blue friend is one very sick wee laptop.
I am writing this on my neighbour's computer, because mine is in the shop, awaiting the possibility of a terminal verdict.
First, it was the hard drive that was dodgy, then the battery was a bit shite, but eventually it was the plug at the back that conked out. I took it to a nice man at the repair shop, who will hopefully stick a bandaid on it so it will last until the end of the semester (one month baby!!!) but if not, I will be taking that night job at the strip club to afford another computer.

So, please excuse me if I do not blog or IM or email very much in the next week or so....
I am at the mercy of other people's computers. If you miss me too much, you will have to go old skool and call me on the phone. Or, get over it.


Tuesday, November 14, 2006

There's a light at each end of the tunnel you shout, cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out

Dear Blog,

Its 1.30am and I've been working on my paper that's due on Thursday for about an hour and a half, maybe a little more. I am starting to get a little stressed that I am not working efficiently, but I really can't think of another way to do it than the way I am. I have the most ridiculous amount of information, and I must condense it, along with some substantial analysis and application of theory, into about 25 pages of awesome. Oh fuck.... thats quite a lot really. Shite.

But anyway, I haven't been working on it nearly as much as I could have been, because I am Bad. I can feel an all-nighter in my near future.... and possibly a wee dip in my GPA.
Hell, its lucky that there is more to life than school!!
No, really there is. I read it in a book once.

And then I had loads of stuff in my head I was going to get out and into blog format but now its all gone because I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror and I don't look like me so now I'm going to bed so that hopefully when I wake up in the morning I will look like me again and if not me then someone equally as cool haha good luck with that.

So goodnight blog, we will talk soon.
Love Claire

PS I am falling falling falling in the best way imaginable

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Save a horse, ride a cowboy

I’m writing this in word (oh the humanity!) because Blogger is having some Issues. Something about authority. Anyhoo.

I’ve been a slack little Blogger recently, I know. Also, I’m about to get a lot slacker, what with the gajillion papers I must write in the next five (count ‘em onetwothreefourfive) weeks.

Thursday: democratization paper due, student’s essays submitted, two weeks to grade them.
Continuing: negotiation exercise, and associated papers to write/news to keep up with etc.
December 3rd: final negotiation meeting.
December 4th: negotiation test.
December 7th: journal of notes on 7 books due. Note to self: read the seven books before then.
December 8th: Boy from Texas goes to India for a month.
December 12th: student’s final exam, grading begins (6 days to complete)
December 18th: final negotiation paper due. Fly home. Sleep.

There’s a change in the air. Maybe it’s the weather, maybe it’s the Boy from Texas, who knows. I can’t put my finger on it, but its on the way. Ah, maybe its just the work.....

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Election Day 2006

To my American friends, colleagues, professors, students, lovers, cohorts, drinking buddies, nemeses, shopkeepers, landlords, acquaintances and passers-by on the street.

Please vote the bastards out.

Love Claire

PS I live here, I have to abide by the rules, I pay taxes, I think I should get to vote. So there.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Rosemary, heaven restores you in life

- I bought Snow Patrol's most recent album, and it is good.
- Borat = very funny.
- I have a new external hard drive, and perhaps just in time because with each passing day my computer gets sicker and sicker.
- I don't think he knows that I know about his myspace page but I need to find a way to broach the subject cos his status on it still says 'single' and we have fairly well established the fact that we are doing this relationship thing and ohmigod all of a sudden I am fourteen but seriously how does one casually drop that into conversation?
- I have done precisely Fuck All work this weekend, which is generally not a good thing because I have approximately a Gigantic Shit Load to be done in the next six weeks.
- Today I baked muffins and made soup because I am a domestic goddess suck on that Nigella Lawson.

Ok going to angst for a bit now.

Friday, November 03, 2006

I noticed tonight that the world has been turning

What if I was to write a blog about the thoughts that are going through my mind now?
About the last few days, about how we have been getting closer and closer, about the things he whispers in my ear as he holds me at night, about the feel of his rough brown hands on my soft white skin, about his long black hair that I run my hands through, about the weight of him sleeping next to me?

But that might be a little too much for this forum, so I shan't.

Instead I shall ask for recommendations about my imminent new laptop purchase, for when my Little Blue Friend (tm) finally kicks it.
I am considering a Dell XPS M1210. Any ideas, people?

Monday, October 30, 2006

Just call me angel of the morning baby...

Thanks for coming!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Reasons why its good to be me

1) am going to the airport in about 20 minutes to collect my favourite blogger
2) The Boy From Texas got us tickets for Bill Cosby
3) the half glass of red wine sitting on my desk next to the keyboard
4) we beat Pakistan by 51 runs
5) I'm having a party on Saturday night
6) Eighties dance night tomorrow
7) I have no more classes until Monday
8) This town doesn't suck as much as I make out it does
9) I have only 15 midterms left to grade
10) My Politics of the Developing World class today was awesome.

and really..... what more do you need?

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

The internet is for pr0n......

Sri Lanka are playing South Africa in Ahmedabad and the internet stream I am attempting to watch the match on keeps misbehaving and going all wobbly and gurgly and I get about 2 seconds of video per minute before the thing keeps buffering again and then the sound goes all funny and I can't make out what the announcers are saying and its very frustrating because the outcome of this match is very important to me because we loves the cricket and Sri Lanka are about to get hit by Makhaya Ntini which is always good to watch and watching cricket online sure as shit beats the hell out of grading this pile of midterms I have here......

Sunday, October 22, 2006

I worry….

That I will say or do something to scare him away that I will repeat the same mistakes I’ve made before despite my efforts to the contrary that nobody takes legitimate concerns about global warming seriously that I will slip up and let my desperate insecurities show that he needs someone more like him that the worlds we come from are just too different that I am too loud too aggressive that I won’t get my students’ midterms graded by Wednesday that he just wants to be friends that he will find out I worry about this stuff at this stage that my computer will conk out before I buy an external hard drive that I’m not smart enough not pretty enough not thin enough not virtuous enough too crazy for him too needy for him too white for him too intense for him too different from him that the effect he says I have on him will be gone when he returns that my head will explode from all this angst that we will lose against Pakistan next week and be out of the Champions Trophy that he won’t call me

/ end angst /

Friday, October 20, 2006

I have a new appreciation of all things Texan

Not going to hex it or betray a confidence by blogging about it.... suffice to say my stomach has been doing many little flip-flops in the last few days... some things are best left un-blogged.

Also, bring on next Saturday, when the Halloween Party to end all Halloween parties is being hosted by yours truly (and three flatmates and the downstairs neighbours too....), and featuring a Special Guest from the West Coast.

I've said it before and I'll say it again..... booya.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

I'm not procrastinating.....

Holy crap the Windies just SPANKED Australia, they won by 10 runs, and even managed to score a hat-trick. Jerome Taylor is apparently the first West Indian cricketer EVER to get a hat-trick, and hes only 22 or something.... anyway having Brett Lee go out for a duck was worth its weight in gold..... Right now I would give my first born to be in India. If only I had a first born....
Yesterday Pakistan beat Sri Lanka in Jaipur, the day before we managed to kick South Africa like the little bitches they are.... and even India managed to beat England by 4 wickets. Ah, everything is right with the world again....

Also, I have 5 hours left to finish my paper.... luckily theres no more cricket until tomorrow.....
NZ vs. Sri Lanka at Bombay. Bring it!!!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Young man, control in your hand, slam your fist in the table and make your demands

Also, possibly, likely due to my complete flabbergastedness over the whole thing, I totally forgot to mention the concert I am going to on Wednesday night.....


The only catch being, of course, that I have less than 24 hours to write a 12 page paper, the likes of which I have never written before because life just likes to throw interesting things at me like a negotiation methods course that turns into a full on international negotiation simulation, complete with full official-type negotiating instructions.....

But hey, MATISYAHU!!!!!
Brain to Claire: Mwahahahaha!!!!!!

Monday, October 16, 2006

You give me miles and miles of mountains and I'll ask for the sea

I can't be completely certain that its a real actual 'date' date, but I'm fairly sure that I just got asked out.
By a real live grown up adult male.
And no, he is not is retarded, blind, deaf or otherwise 'differently abled'.

Time will tell......

Also, we TOTALLY KICKED South Africa this morning in Bombay, which is fairly impressive, given that we were all out for 195 after 45 overs.
Ah, such is the joy of cricket.....

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Look out look from over the rooftops

Saturday night, off to a party up the road, at which I will stand around and drink beer and talk to possibly interesting people, probably no nice boys though.
Last night my friend got me drunk, he paid for every single one of my drinks at the pub and it was lovely.

My hair is the colour of manuka honey.

Friday, October 13, 2006

When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am

Hello today I slept for about 6 hours then I gave my students a midterm and read while they sat their exam then I went to class and learned about postcolonial disources of historicisation and circular vs linear concpets of time then I went to another class and learned about cultural factors in democratisation and the limitations of pure modernist theory in terms of economic development then I came home and talked to my favourite blogger and had a wee lie down and ate some mashed potatoes made from potatoes not from a packet cos thats the way I roll then I went to quiz night and had some beer and we would have won had the rest of my team listened to me about Lenny Bruce but we came 4th anyway and it was good and then I watched CSI and K-Fed is a loser and then I watched ER and Dr Kovac is beautiful and then I wasted all sorts of time on the internets reading shit and then I wrote a blog and went to bed the end ok bye.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

And I wonder if truly you are really as beautiful as I believe

Apparently, in Southern Chile there is a dearth of food that doesn't suck. I wouldn't know, I've never been. However, word on the street is.....

The point being, I have just packaged up the Mega Package (tm) for my sister who lives there, and who happens to be having a birthday very soon, which includes
- Thai green curry paste
- two packets of chocolate biscuits
- 1 jar of peanut butter
- garam masala
- red curry powder (extra hot)
- madras spice mix
- a whole lot of bubble wrap.

And its true, doing nice things for people DOES make you happy!!!!

Monday, October 09, 2006

*Warning!!! BSG Spoiler Blog!!! Warning*

Much to my delight, the premiere episode of BSG last week turned out to be TWO episodes!!! I was so excited I did the dance of joy, right there on the couch at my friend's house!!!

But given that I have class soon, and must finish the readings for class and eat lunch before then, here we have the brief version of the ways in which BSG is still all that and a packet of chips.

Starbuck: so awesome its not funny, but possibly a bit off her rocker.
Apollo: FAT!!!!!
Admiral Adama: rocking the 'stache.
Colonel Tigh: gone completely off his rocker.
Ellen Tigh: the Town Bike.
Galactica Boomer (previously known as Caprica Boomer): married Helo.
New Caprica Boomer (previously known as Galactica Boomer before she shot Adama and got shot by Callie and downloaded into a new body): getting all sympathising with the humans
Helo: Galactica XO, even hotter than before. Quite possibly the uniform.
Chief Tyrol: hairy. Has a cute baby.
Callie: also has a baby. In fact, the same one. Is currently frolicking through the woods, and by frolicking I of course mean running for her dear life from the nasty Cylons.
Anders: has a nice new "I married Starbuck" tattoo.
Gaeta: Baltar's bitch, but also not.
Dualla: Mrs Apollo, but apparently the fat isn't contagious. Also possibly Pegasus XO.
Kat: Galactica CAG.
Number 6: still a saucy minx. Is now BFF with New Caprica Boomer.
Roslin: manages to be classy and staunch while in a Cylon prison with no shoes.
Leoben: trying to get Starbuck to fall in love with him by keeping her prisoner. Needless to say, she keeps killing him.
Cavil: Makes quotation marks in the air with his fingers whenever he talks about "God".
Aaron: Wanker.
D'Anna (now mostly known as Number 3): has great hair, still talks like the good Kiwi girl she is, likes killing people.
Baltar: President, drunk, wasted, likes hookers, is still cowardly and in love with Number 6.

Ummm.... I think thats all.
Ok bye.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Too hot for you!!!!
And soon to take on Small Town, USA.
Oh my.

Edit: I just randomly clicked on some archives, and have decided that my blog used to be more interesting than it is now.
Hang on, my life used to be a lot more interesting than it is now..... perhaps there's a connection.....*wanders off, looking thoughtful*
Better late than never

Blonde Claire
Love that flattering bathroom mirror light.....

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Bang bang bang BOOM!!!!

Holy bang bang Batman, there is one hell of a fireworks display going on right now at the university. One of the doors in my house is shaking, the street lights up periodically, and there is some seriously loud noises resounding through the living room.

Note: I do not, in any way, live right next to the university where this cacophony is taking place, its about a 20 minute walk.

Perhaps it will wake the residents of the crackhouse a few blocks over from their drug induced slumber.
I know this much is true....

My girl Sarah is All That And A Packet Of Chips (tm). I was feeling a little emotionally fragile etc today so I called her and unbeknownst to either of us we were listening to the same cd at the same time, and both having similar potentially PMSing type days and feeling vulnerable etc even though we are on opposite ends of the world so we had a grand old chat and she said "love you longtime" and then everything was better.

Friday nights at home spent watching telly and playing on the intertron and cooking for your friend who stopped by briefly to borrow a computer powercord from your flatmate and ended up staying for nearly 3 hours are a lot more appealing than they used to be. I wonder if it is a sign of age or maturity that going out into town on a Friday night and consuming large amounts of booze now seems like far more like something to be endured than something to be enjoyed.

Its really only two months until I go home again which is awesome because its so soon, but also scary because I have to save up a rather large amount of money from now until then so I can get back here and there is an insane amount of work that must be done before then so I had best get moving on it.

If I were to travel almost exactly due south from here for ten thousand, six hundred and seventy kilometres, I would arrive in the city my sister lives in (I would have to travel ever so slightly east or would end up in the ocean off the west coast of Estrecho de Magallenes. And I don't fancy that).

In three weeks I will have a Special Visitor staying here for the weekend and that makes me happy. I may even do the Dance of Joy((tm) (c) Joss Whedon 2004).

I am a ginge no longer. After many hours of faffing about with hair products etc and far too much money spent on said products, I am now officially blonde. Photos will follow soon, I just have to let my hair recover from the torture it received in the blonding process.

Its been a hundred years at least, but the Manic Street Preachers track "Motorcycle Emptiness" is still fucking awesome.

Ok thats about all the truth you can handle for now.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Makes no sense at all....

I'm doing it again.
Its 12.45am, and I'm still at the computer, having finally finished all my work for the evening, admittedly some of that work was done while eating my dinner and watching Lost and CSI NY (for God's sakes Danny would you just plant one on her!!!) ...anyway.
What was my point?
Its late, I should be in bed, I have classes tomorrow for seven and a half hours straight, yet all I want to do is play on the internerds!

Have you heard of Its spooky stuff, yet oddly engrossing. People spend hours of their lives writing fiction about fictional characters they didn't create, its all a bit new for me.

Today my flatmate of last year defended her dissertation and got a full pass with distinction: ie the best mark one can get, not a single rewrite to be done, thats all she wrote, goodnight and good luck take care now bye bye.
She's very clever.
Got me thinking though, I should perhaps be spending more time building up a portfolio of work.... dissertation proposal, articles to be published etc. I have many ideas floating around in my head, and a few more scribbled on random pieces of paper all over the place. Surely I can squeeze in a few hours to turn one of them into a few thousand words of publishable quality? Maybe if I spent less time fannying about on the internet......
I have many things to say about the world and what needs fixing, and all the things people should be paying attention to. Its just the effort.....oh lord the effort.

Which is ridiculous because when I actually get up off my fat arse and make an effort and do something I am so chuffed with the results and Actually Having Achieved Something I think to myself "hey Claire, that was awesome, you should do that more" and then I get all distracted by the shiny pretty things like the telly and the books and the sleep.........
Mmmm, the sleep.

Also, its entirely possible that today, in the absence of anyone else who lives here having a say, I decided that we would be having a Halloween party, and even maybe featuring Special Guests.

Ok this post sucks, I'm going to bed. Soon.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

On this day, 42 years ago......

Happy birthday Clive. Phwoar.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Because a change is apparently as good as a holiday....

Here I present to you....The Before Shot.
Updates as they come to hand.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Dorky McDorkster of Dorksville, New York

Last night, in a flash of brilliance, I decided upon my Halloween costume.
Now I have a month to lose about 35 pounds....she says, while munching on a delicious lunch of paneer and pilau....

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Sunday all of my demons rest....

Felix is Lord of All He Doth Survey, while Cat Dooku likes to help me read my methods homework and look cute.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Two things*....

Firstly, I can't go to Toronto this weekend thanks to circumstance, finance and some other ances.
Poos and wease, but hey. We have survived far worse things than this, although the prospect of a dodgeball tournament is rather appealing.
The plus side is however, that my beloved Holly is going away for the weekend so I will be looking after Felix and Cat Dooku the mega-kitties, so cute kitty photos will likely appear in the near future.

Secondly, yesterday I bought quite possibly the coolest sheet of stamps EVER!!, as you can probably see.

Thirdly, I am still in my jammies at 3.30pm.

* And by two I of course mean three

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Driving away from the wreck of the day and the lights always red in the rear view

I have just watched the final of Grey's Anatomy yes I know its old news but its the only chance I've had to see it. And when I say "just" I mean it finished 40 minutes ago, and I still can't get a hold of myself.
I knew what was going to happen and I had prepared myself for it, but this was a whole unexpected level of effect, it hit me far below the standard sad television finale level, this one hit me way deep in levels I haven't been to for a long time, deep dark parts of my brain where my childhood memories reside and where I keep the knowledge of the names of colours and down deep in my emotional core do you want to call it my heart? Where I remember what it was like to finally kiss the man I was in love with when I was 23 and where I keep the smell of my baby niece's hair and the sound of my four-years-gone dog's bark.
I have spent the twenty minutes in the shower, sitting on the floor hugging my knees and sobbing, letting the water wash over me in the hope it will in some way pull me together but that didn't work and so I tried to figure out why it was that I was so affected by a TV programme, whose ending I already knew.

I miss human touch.
I hate to stand in queues because I feel the people in front and behind me are imposing on my personal space, and I have been known to shout at people in bars who touch me, even when the bar is full. I hate being touched, in short. I am very protective of my personal space and get VERY antsy when its invaded.

Yet still, the more I think about it, the one thing I absolutely crave is the touch of someone who loves me.
I'm not talking about sex necessarily, I am so accustomed to living without that I think that part of my brain has ceased to work. What I mean is simple human contact with people who love me. A hug from my Dad, one of the kids sitting on my knee, the way my mum will always try to fix my permanently messy hair. When I'm at home I don't really notice my single status, but in the last couple of weeks I've really noticed it.
When I was away in the cabin last weekend, my friend was there with his girlfriend. While we were sitting around the fire after dinner, she had her foot sitting on his knee, and he was absentmindedly playing with it.
When I saw it, I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach.

I think it was a similar thing that hit me about Grey's Anatomy tonight. Izzy and Denny to be specific. She loved him, he loved her, it was simple and true and she potentially sacrified her career to save his life, and then he died. I can see the image in my head, of Izzy in her pink frock lying on the bed with Denny, and it sets me off again.
Maybe I'm lonely, I don't know. I always thought I had moved beyond that, at my age one would hope that I had, but perhaps I was wrong.
Perhaps I am so deeply affected by a television programme because I am desperately in need of some human company beyond school.
Perhaps I need to be discussing this over martinis with my girlfriends instead of in a blog.
But right now all I can say is that I would give almost anything to wake up to someone who loves me.

I shouldn't have to post a warning here, the fact that I am putting these uncharacteristically honest words out there should be sufficient caution to not make smart arsed comments about offering to shag me or accusations of being emo or the fact its just a freaking television programme.
The words are out of my head now and so I can sleep. Thats all I hoped for.

News just to hand: television is evil.
Tonight at 10pm is last season's finale of Grey's Anatomy on ABC. The season finale that I didn't see here because I was in NZ, and didn't see in NZ because it played the week after I got back here.
AT THE SAME TIME on CBS is the new season premiere of CSI: NY, which I am not ashamed to say, I freaking love.

Now a normal person would record one and watch the other, right? But given that I don't have any of this poncy flash tivo nonsense, in fact I barely have a functioning television, I am unable to do that.


I would be so screwed if I ever had to make a real decision in my life.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

You wanna win a war? Like PLO don't surrender

In a display of utter geekery, Claire reveals concern that one of her professors doesn't think shes all that and a packet of crisps.


We all go on about how we couldn't give a flying fuck if some cunt we don't care about doesn't like us, but I want all my profs to love me! Its important that they love me, because when it comes to marking my work, and its late at night, and they have already graded ten papers, and they get to mine, I don't want them to think "Ah, fuck her, shes loud and annoying and I'm tired and bored she can have a B-" I want them to think "Oh, she's so funny and clever and cute, heres an A".
Note: yes I am aware that I have to do work of an appreciable standard to get the As. I want the love too.

AND THEN...... instead of doing the readings for Thursday's class in keeping with the aforementioned appreciable standard of work, Claire settles back in her chair to watch Battlestar Galactica.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Put your clock back for the winter...


And so to celebrate, here is me with horns. This pic is weird because I undid the red-eye thing and it made my eyes go strange they're actually blue but you can't tell from that picture I had to share that with you because I am so vain.
We are also celebrating something else today: the fact that I didn't get eaten by bears in the woods. Yippee.

Ithaca is SO much nicer than this shithole town, so I think I might move there.

Dear Cornell University
Your town is so much nicer than Syracuse, I would like to live there in one of those cute little houses up on the hill. Therefore, please give me a scholarship equivalent to the one I have now, although about 50% more would be nice too. I promise to work really hard and be a very good student and not shag any professors.
Smoochies, Claire

We went to a cabin about 20 minutes south of Ithaca, built by a former Zoology professor, who evidently rejoiced in the glory of his chosen field by shooting animals and putting their heads up on the wall. It was a very lovely room of death. Much fun was had however, despite the all pervading stench of gratuitious death.

Ok so I think I will go to Toronto next weekend for Blodgeball because I am a gigantic dork and don't have any real life friends outside of the internets also, way to get out of the US at the first available opportunity I love Canada I know they don't play cricket but they're still like one of us because they have the Queen on their money also I have visions of snogging a mountie.
Also, the idea of hitting people with balls appeals to me greatly. Maybe I should take a bag of wrenches for practice?
All I need now is a ride there and a place to stay.

Go craigslist

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Look out bears

Going to get in a car in half an hour and go to a cabin in the mountains for the night to get eaten by bears.
A bunch of students in the mountains overnight....sounds like the perfect setting for a horror film.

Play nicely while I'm gone.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Don't you just hate it when....'re sitting in class talking about something completely un-sexy and all of a sudden out of the blue all random styles have I emphasised the unexpectedness of it all sufficiently a really filthy thought crosses your mind and while it does surprise you somewhat especially with the previously emphasised random nature of it its also kind of a nice surprise cos you've got all these lovely filthy thoughts swimming around in your head and they make you feel all delicious and dirty in a good way but you also have to deal with the fact that these thoughts have about twenty seconds to get the fuck out of your head because you have to talk sensibly and informedly about stuff that is about as unsexy as a really unsexy thing and its late and I can't think of a sufficiently unsexy thing that does justice to the unsexiness of the subject matter without casting aspersions upon the inherent value of discussing said subject matter anyway my point is don't you hate it when these things jump into your head at just the wrong moment and you have to focus on something else completely when what would be really nice is to be left alone with your lovely thoughts but maybe thats the point life as I continue to find never ceases to be interesting what with its random thoughts and all the other stuff ok going to watch dvds now goodnight.

ps maybe i will go to Toronto next weekend....

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Flick Her

I have a Flickr account. I have yet to put a link on this here blog, or figure out all the flash bloggy flickry stuff that goes with it, but I'm sure you can figure out. Just search Flickr for people with the same name as me. My first two names, anyway.

Ok time for bed.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Local boy, neighbourhood, easy as the breeze in springtime, he don't talk too much. When he does the whole room gets luminous

I have just had a moment of sheer brilliance!!.....actually its a fairly average idea, but any idea after midnight that is neither drink nor drug fuelled is a rarity.

I am doing a course on politics of the developing world, and its really interesting, and the major requirement is a final research/reflection paper, focusing on a particular paradigm or concept that we have discussed in class. Paradigms and concepts to be discussed include modernity, colonialism, post-colonialism, Westernisation, development, development as Westernisation, political economies of development and globalisation, and the import and export of political models. is my idea. Seeing as how I will be reading all this really interesting stuff, and get to choose the topic for my final paper, and will have to write it anyway....


Is that allowed? *crosses fingers*

Monday, September 11, 2006

"Smell is a potent wizard that transports across thousands of miles and all the years we have lived"

There is something stinky in my room.
No Tim, its not my feet.
Unless my feet all of a sudden smell like a mixture of red curry powder, cumin, cayenne, nutmeg, garam marsala and possibly star anise, that have been dryfried and left a little bit too long in the pan.
Its one of those annoying smells that tickles the back of one's throat, and is really starting to do my loaf.

So, now I am about to turn my room upside town in an attempt to find it, and destroy!!!
Updates likely to follow.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

"Fortune vomits on my eiderdown once more"

Dreadful news!!!!
There has been a tragic death in the family!!!!

I got a rather upsetting text from my sister last night which delivered the bad news..... after many years of faithful service and despite the best in medical attention, my sister's cretaceous-era desktop computer has finally died.

Gone the way of the dodo.
Deader than a dead thing two weeks after the funeral.
Partying beyond the Pearly Gates with Dudley Moore and Allen Ginsberg.
Exhibiting as much life as the front row of a Genesis concert.
Ceased to be.
Expired and gone to meet its maker.
Kicked the bucket, shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible.
Bereft of life, it rests in piece....

Ok so its only a computer, but thanks to the wonders of Skype it was also the easiest way to talk to her and her kids, plus talking computer to computer is free, and given that I am as poor as a church mouse whose just received a huge tax bill the day after his wife ran off with another mouse and took all the cheese....(heehee three guesses as to what I've been watching), free stuff is about all thats within my budget.

So we say PANTS to that, and cross our fingers that some nice person will buy my lovely sister a lovely new computer very soon.

P.S. Little Miss Sunshine is freaking awesome and thoroughly gorgeous and we loves it so the three of you who have yet to see it GO NOW!!!
P.P.S Oh what a lot of links.

Saturday, September 09, 2006


I am so fucking tired, I can't understand it.
For the last few days I've had this ouchie type pain on my right side, and my nurse-in-training flatmate says there is a big ol' muscle that goes from beneath one's shoulderblades round the ribcage kind of area, sort of holds everything together as it were. Anyway, this ouchie pain in my side is probably a muscle type thing, and in lieu of a deep tissue massage, I had a muscle relaxant.
Not that I normally have serious dopey type drugs hanging around the house but, I got these from the doc last year cos of back pain from being wonky and all, and HOLY FLOPPY BUNNY EARS BATMAN they do tend to knock one out a little.
And now its 6.44pm and I still feel all dozy.
Is this what relaxed people feel like all the time? All weird and....floppy.

And, the other news is that we have been preliminary, albeit grudging, landlord approval for our adoption plans.

Ok bye.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006


Is currently 11.06pm.
In 12 hours I need to be in class for an hour and a half, followed by three hours of class, followed by 3 hours of class.

I haven't done readings for class #1, but its ok cos I'm the TA and have 3 degrees and a graduate diploma so am well experienced in Making Shit Up.

In class #2 I am doing a 25 minute presentation on metageographical concepts as discourses of power. So far I have done the reading and written 3 pages of wank that I plan on delivering, peppered with anecdotes about how I am awesome.

Class #3 requires one to submit notes on the readings "the day before" class. That would mean today. I am thus far operating on the standard "If I haven't been to bed then its still the same day" m.o.
The readings, incidentally, are 232 pages of democratic theory, 14 pages of something I haven't read yet, and 17 pages of something else I haven't read either, although the latter is by Dahl, and in my experience he repeats himself a lot, so maybe I can get it down to 3 or 4 pages.

And so why am I blogging about it instead of sucking it up and doing the work?

Monday, September 04, 2006

A happy day for crocodiles everywhere....

Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter is dead

All those years chasing crocs, and he gets done in by a stingray.....poor bastard.
RIP Crocodile Hunter.

My Dad is convinced crocs the world over will be mightily pissed off they didn't get the last word in but....

Thursday, August 31, 2006

At least one of my dreams is coming true....

Viggo is coming to a city near you!!!
If, of course, by "city" I mean "small town" and by "you" I mean "me".


Tuesday, August 29, 2006

These mishaps you bubble wrap when you've no idea what you're like

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Again, the Emmys disappoint....

....blah blah...shit television wins....blah blah...glorifying reactionary politics and institutionalised violence....blah blah....perpetrating the idea that women are to be judged firstly on appearance, secondly on talent....blah blah....

Hey if I really hated it that much you think I would have turned the telly off, but no.
The highlight was Hugh Laurie co-presenting an award with Helen Mirren, and speaking entirely in French.
The lowlight was the rest of it.

I felt an obligation to waste time on my last evening before school began....yes tomorrow the madness begins....shit.

So, due to the radiation exposure and brain-atrophy I experienced while watching said crap awards show, I am unable to come up with anything really interesting to say, nor do I really have the motivation to process the random sound-byte-like thoughts that are swirling around my head. So here are some pictures from NZ, to prove once and for all, how good it really is to be me (aside from the whole brain-not-working thing of course....)

The view from the front porch at our house in Wanaka

The view from my bedroom at Wanaka. Yes, MY FREAKING BEDROOM!!!!!!!

Stephenson's Arm, Lake Wanaka

Pegasus Bay winery and restaurant, about half an hour north of Christchurch, and home to the finest Merlot on this earth.

Swing Bridge, Kaitoke National Park (Rivendell), Wellington.

Also, because of the excessive BBQing I have been partaking in over the last few days, as a result of being seconded to another department for the coming year and generally being social, I have been thoroughly munched upon by mosquitoes. I have no calamine lotion in the house, and my flatmate's partner said that vinegar does the trick nicely, in terms of stopping the itching.
The result, considerably less bite-related aggravation, but I smell like a London chip shop. Mmmmm. Delicious.
And with that lovely mental image, I shall depart to bed.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Stones taught me to fly

Brief update in manner of person with insufficient sleep reserves....

Luggage has been found, will apparently be delivered before 11pm. Note: is currently 11.23pm.

Have almost completed shifting from old bedroom (SO 2005!!) to new bedroom (much cooler, literally) after beginning at 8am.

Cellphone run out of credit, apologies for not returning/sending texts.

I got interviewed in LA. Here it is.

Am gagging for a shower..... back tomorrow.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

I love Los Angeles
Also, Ryan Seacrest has a star on the Hollywood walk of fame. The earth is doomed.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

LA LA Land....

I'm in LA with Sunshine.
Its still Thursday, and its been Thursday for about....ummm.....attempts calculations in poorly functioning brain....
Ok so I landed in LA nearly 4 hours ago, and before that I was on a plane for twelve hours, and when I got on the plane it was 6.45pm..... still can't work it out....


Going to see some motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane tonight.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Whatcha gonna do with all that junk
All that junk in your trunk

Today I am going back to Merika.
I have to pack a whole bunch of stuff into my suitcases, in doing so defying the laws of physics in the manner of the Tardis or similar.
I also have to fly to Auckland for two hours, then sit on a plane for TWELVE HOURS to LA and by the time I get there it will be four hours before I leave Christchurch. That does one's head in a little.
So, this is probably my last post from Aotearoa for a while, at least until I get back on the 20th of December.
See you on the other side... unless my plane explodes.

Look out California.

Monday, August 14, 2006

We'll be here next Saturday, with our guns and our heads held high....

I am sure I have forgotten someone. I just sent a few texts out inviting people to come and have dinner with me on Wednesday to celebrate my imminent departure and it is entirely possible that I have forgotten someone REALLY important and have just made an enemy.
Of course, I have only texted people who will be in Christchurch on Wednesday. I is clever, you see.
So, my point is that if I like you and you are in Chc on Wednesday night come to the Flying Burrito Brothers. Or not, whatever.

Today I bought swimming togs because being the demented retard that I am I left mine in the great state of Zoo York, and I tried on this pair and was making faces in the mirror and my mum said "What do you not like about them?" and I said "THE GIGANTIC FAT BODY THATS IN THESE TOGS!!!"
I am so fat, cars swerve to miss me and run out of petrol.
I am so fat when I go to the movies, I sit next to everyone.
I am so fat, I have my own gravitational pull.

Whoever said "May you live in interesting times" was referring to me and mine, because life is interesting and rarely ceases to be so. Today, perhaps as a result of all the interesting combined with some tired and some hormones and some Holy-mother-of-God I am so fucking sick of the rain-itis I was in a big sad, and was completely miserable and my skin had worn too thin. I went home and said to my dad "I am grumpy and foul" and he suggested a wee lie-down, which did the trick nicely, and while I am not exactly a gigantic ball of fluffy kitten-like sunlight, I am no longer radiating black clouds of doom and despair. Jolly good news.

And finally, I am beginning a rather short and completely un-campaign-like campaign to get our dear Sunshine to come and see The Living End at the House of Blues on Sunset Strip this Friday. The Living End are awesome and doth indeed rock, and I am possessed with an inexplicable urge to leap around like a fool and shout WE-E-E-EST E-E-E-END RIOT!!!!

And that will be all for now, except for the fact that terrorists are complete twunts and I am no longer allowed my handcream on the plane, and am therefore unlikely to be allowed to carry several bottles of duty-free 42 Below Feijoa vodka to sustain me through the harsh winter months to come and will be forced to drink inferior non-tropical fruit flavoured drinks and shall become bitter and die withered and alone surrounded by cut-out pictures of beaches and delicious fruit.

Monday, August 07, 2006

I just tried to post pictures....

But Blogger is being a dick.
And now I'm off to Wanaka with me Dad.
Photos to follow.
I hope the rain stops soon.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Five things: tagged by my LA girl

Five things in the freezer
1) Aloo paranthas
2) Frozen spinach
3) Vodka
4) Hash browns
5) Caramel fudge ice cream

Five things in my closet
1) Chocolate brown leather knee high Tommy Hilfiger boots (as pictured....sigh....)
2) Sleeping bag
3) Turkish cashmere pashmina shawl
4) Some dust and fluff and lint and maybe a few spiders
5) A gigantic red suitcase

Five things in my car
1) A catalogue for ride-on lawn mowers
2) Black high heeled shoes
3) Dog hair
4) A cd tape adapter
5) The memory of petrol (at $1.72 a litre, thats all it gets)

Five things in my backpack
1) Hairclip
2) Swiss Army knife
3) passport photos
4) Chewing gum
5) An African copper and brass bracelet

I tag Heather, Raspberry, Michelle, Tara and Zach Braff. Cos why the hell not, aye?
This DOES NOT however, mean that I am giving up on the previous post.

Also, in 2 weeks I am going to LA.
Come and drink with us.
But only for a little while, because Sunshine and I are going to drink margaritas and paint our nails and talk about boys and have some quality girl time*.

*In a thoroughly wholesome, fully clothed and not remotely filthy way, get your mind out of your knickers please you filthy potty minded sod.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Ok, here we go. Its dorky meme game time

Here we have the first line of 25 songs that popped up on my iTunes today.
The game is trying to name the song and artist, WITHOUT USING A SEARCH ENGINE!!! (or similar cheaty using anything but your brain)
Not a one of them is NZ music, because I didn't think that would be fair to the Americans/Canadians/Australians/other non-Kiwis.

1) I wanted to buy you shiny red things, thought I’d be with you all til the end

2) The walls you build up, stone by stone

3) It ain’t no use to sit and wonder why babe, it don’t matter anyhow
#3 is "Don't think twice, it's alright" by Bob Dylan

4) I want your soul, I’ll eat your soul
#4 has gotta be the Aphex Twin - Come To Daddy..
fishboy | Homepage | 07.31.06 - 9:42 pm | #

5) Oh, can’t anybody see? We’ve got a war to fight, never found our way, regardless of what they say
And 8 is Roads by Portishead

Oops I meant #5 is Roads

6) I’m a black rainbow, I’m an ape of God
6 is Marilyn Manson, "Disposable Teens"

7) I found her on a night of fire and noise, wild bells rang in a wild sky
#7 is Do You Love Me by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

#7 is "Do You Love Me" by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

8) I’m gonna pull you in close, gonna wrap you up tight, gonna play with the braids you came with tonight
Isn't #8 Interpol? Ummm.. Obstacle II?

9) Words like violence, break the silence, come crashing in, into my little world
#9 is Enjoy the Silence by Depeche Mode.

10) 2am and she calls me cos I’m still awake, can you help me unravel my latest mistake, I don’t love him, winter just wasn’t my season
#10 is Breathe by Anna Nalick

11) I got the understanding of a four year old, I’ve got the peace of mind of a killer soul
Also 11 was on the Spawn soundtrack and it's called "Trip Like I Do" or something. Can't remember the artist right now.
J reminded me it was Filter and Crystal Method.

12) I can't stand it I know you planned it, but I'm gonna set it straight, this Watergate
Ok I'm going with Sabotage by the Beasties for 12.
PS I'm in Paris! They drive like fucking lunatics here..

13) Stayed true to the things I knew when I was younger, and food and love was all but left to hunger

14) The gold road's sure a long road, winds on through the hills for fifteen days. The pack on my back is aching, the straps seem to cut me like a knife
#14 is the Stone Roses - Fool's Gold

15) I’ve come a long, long way since the day you walked into my life

16) I called you brazen, called you whore right to your face, and watched you silently and publicly disgraced

17) You're all that I have and you're all that I need, Each and every day I pray to get to know you please

18) You look like a perfect fit, for a girl in need of a tourniquet
#18 is "Save Me" by Aimee Mann.

19) Geeks do not have pedigrees or perfect punk rock resumes or anorexic magazines it smells like girl it smells like girl

20) Ladies, gentlemen, somebody ring the alarm, there’s a fire in the room
#20 is a personal favourite, Dirrty by Christina Aguilera

21) Maybe I don’t really wanna know how your garden grows

22) He must smoke spum dames by our lay, Charge are we nicks he'll needs our first very edge, Now beautiful I'll tell my mind, Cloud mannered a lot

23) it's bugging me, grating me, and twisting me around, yeah I'm endlessly caving in, and turning inside out

24) Good times for a change, see the luck I’ve had, can make a good man turn bad

25) Once the dogs have quit their barking, Son; my neighbour said to me; Know the emptiness of talking blue, the same old sheep

Let the games begin....

12 down, 13 to go.
So far the winner is fishboy, with 3 correct answers.

We can do better than this though. I can't believe no ones got number 12 yet!

Sunday, July 30, 2006

In three weeks I'll be in L.A. I hope its cooled down a bit.

Underwear notwithstanding, and as long as I am not wearing my jersey, I am not wearing any black clothes today. Even my shoes are blue.
I can't actually remember the last time this happened.

Also, I am working on a really lame post, the idea for which I flogged off

Ok bye.

Friday, July 28, 2006

One day we'll all be old and I'll be so damn beautiful

Oh dear it appears I have come down with several malaises simultaneously. Firstly we have writers block, followed by a hardy case of the sleepies, combined with a sturdy helping of "can't be fucked-itis". Also, the dreaded 3 month neck-related headache is back. I took some drugs that my nice doctor gave me, and they seem to be doing the trick, although they may explain the sleepiness.
I was going to do loads of work in the next hour and a half before I go out, but perhaps I will lie on my bed and watch Firefly instead.

Actually what I really need is a drink. Is that bad?

Monday, July 24, 2006

Rock is dead

I can't believe I didn't get any comments on that last post, it was HI-LARIOUS!!
You are without humour and that hits me in my sad place.

But here's something to cheer you up a little....
The other day I made the mistake of weighing myself, given that I have done very little since I got home other than eat and drink. Now, I have never been stick thin, and I would rather eat my own eyeballs than be one of those obsessively thin boring people, because quite frankly life without blue cheese and merlot is not a life worth living...anyway.
I was curious, because my black trousers have mysteriously shrunk a little...and lo and behold.
In the last 2 months I have gained a whopping FOUR KILOS!!!! Thats a not-entirely-unimpressive EIGHT POINT EIGHT POUNDS!!!!

What a fat cow.
When I get on the plane to go back to America I will get charged excess baggage for my arse.
Lovely. Seeing as how I have taken an oath to never ever diet or give up wine, I find myself exercising. Today I went for a brisk walk (in the lovely winter sun, btw, which was a bit smashing) forgetting of course that directly after work I am going out for dinner and will therefore possibly pong a bit....*hurriedly texts her sister saying please bring spray on deodorant so the rest of the table doesn't asphyxiate themselves in their fettucine by way of avoiding my stinkiness*....

But as it turns out, a brisk half hour walk in the afternoon actually makes one feel all sorts of energetic and perky.
I may well continue doing it.

Now I'm sure I had all sorts of exciting things to report about how fascinating I am and how my life is one continuous celebration of awesomeness, but I'm buggered if I can remember them....

I think my sidebar needs updating....who should I link?


Friday, July 21, 2006

A letter from the British Home Office to the People of America

To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed".
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires", e.g., Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play
proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2010. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys.
"Merde" is French for "shit".
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.
Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian, though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your cooperation.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

I Am Writing This Post On My Cellphone Lying In Bed Because I Can. Shiny. I Can't Figure Out Why Each New Word Must Start With A Capital But Maybe I Could Read The Instructions. Ok Sweet Dreams.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

How can we dance when our earth is turning?....'s up?

I went to Wellington and drank margaritas with H and B.
I won a phone that is allegedly worth $600.
I feel like arse because I think I'm getting a wee cold.
I bought 3 cds.

And now I'm going home.

In one month I will be in LA. Then....back to the salt mines.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

244001991, 2440, 0, Iran, Iran, Muhajadeen Khalq, 3, 13/08/1971, 1991

News just to hand......
Deleting lines of information in Excel files to avoid replicating data because the powers that be decided it would be a good idea to code each year of continued conflict as a separate incident and thus make my life more difficult because one's boss is asking for half a dozen tables to put in the chapter that we wrote and all the information is buried somewhere within this massive data set that as I said has each year of conflict coded as a separate incident who the fuck thought that was a good idea anyway my point is deleting line upon line of information in Excel files is EXTREMELY FUCKING TEDIOUS!!!!