Friday 4pm, still in my jammies

There are these motherfuckers playing some shit music very near my house and its really bad, they keep stopping and starting and playing the same bass line over and over badly, and the drummer really sucks and I was going to go and tell them they sucked but then I thought that would reveal to the world I am still in my jammies in the afternoon. So I had a sleep instead, albeit a sleep punctuated by rude screaming children outside and bad music.

Last night I drank a bottle of wine, cos I am a lush. I didn't mean to, I went for dinner at a prof's house and came home with a right cunt of a headache, so I had a glass of wine in violation of my No Drinking During The Week Rule cos I'm BAD and it made my headache mostly go away then I had another and then another and next thing you know I'm a little pizzled and a bottle of wine has mysteriously evaporated. My flatmate had one glass, if that makes it somehow less boozy of me.

It is very hot today and I need to have a shower and wash the dishes and buy some credit for my cellphone which has the suck knob cranked to eleven and get to school for this Cultural Fair thingy I got asked to MC and said No but I want to go see it anyway, cos we foreigners in Amurika have to stick together and its 4.16 and the fair starts at 5 and I need to come to terms with the fact I'm going to be late.

OK bye.

44 sleeps to go!!!!!

Today's photographic theme: cute stuff.

Haha Sarah is going to kill me when she sees this. "What the fuck are you doing putting my picture on your blog!!"
BUT LOOK HOW CUTE SHE IS!!!!

I've just finished doing my taxes. Well, I've done my federal taxes, and they're going to give me some money back, which is good, because I can hardly think of another government I would want to give money to less than this one. Fuckers.

Anyhoo, I started doing my state taxes as well, but it was too hard, so I opted for the "Give us $14.95 and we'll do them for you" option. Sweet.

Usually at tax time its either a case of "Hey Dad can I borrow your accountant" or "Waaaaahhhhh tax is hard!!!" and I just don't do it. Bad Claire.

Ok taxes are a really boring topic for a post.

Ummm.......

I have lots of work to do in April.

If we can get Ciavarro to LA in May, Brandon has said he will be there.

Also, someone need to magic some money out of thin air so we can get Grimshaw there, cos he needs a holiday.

This post brought to you by an Internal Revenue Service induced brain malfunction, and the letter B.

Tuesday, 5.02pm.....

Bored, bored, bored.

I'm at school and I have class in an hour and a half and I probably should be finishing the readings, BUT I DON'T WANT TO.

Its a lovely sunny day. I want to go outside and play cricket. However, because the grass has all been covered in snow for four months its kind of mushy, also everyone else is working, as all good graduate students should be.

Dum de dum....

Here is a fish.
fish fish fish fish fish fish fish

Sometimes I think I should really put some effort into blogging. Then I say "Nah, fuckit".
Am still waiting for my flash shiny new template.

OK time for a cup of tea.

Bye.

For a limited time only!!!!

Here is proof that I am not making it all up when I go on about school, cos I have an online profile at the school site.

See? Right here.

And because I am a complete retard, I managed to post my profile twice.

If anyone wants to buy me a record by She Wants Revenge I wouldn't mind at all. In fact, I'd probably be very grateful and maybe invite you over for a cup of tea. I might even go so far as to bake muffins.

OK I got nothing.

Someone please make me a new and exciting template for my blog, preferably featuring images of my favourite things. My favourite things include puppies, chocolate, martinis....and.....um....
am trying really hard to think of things I like.
Time for bed. I like bed. But I love lamp.

I had a random blog idea the other idea, a Ben-off. I will post pictures pictures of all the Bens I have known and take votes. What do you say?

"He's a God-sent original, the man of my dreams..."

Or, "Ah, Viggo, the reasons why you're still number one on my baby daddy list, despite the existence of CSI Warrick Brown"

1) Like myself, he prefers being barefoot.
2) He thinks George W is a knobrash, and went on Charlie Rose and said so, most articulately.
3) He loves the UN and all it stands for.
4) He thinks NZ is the business.
5) He is often pictured wearing either a lovely pounamu or a bone fishhook demonstrating a healthy respect for Aotearoa art.
6) He takes kick-arse photos.
7) He strikes me as the kind of man who could spend the day outside building stuff in a very manly way, then come inside, bake a souffle and write a poem. Renaissance through and through.
8) He was nice to my cousin when she saw him (albeit not to talk to, but was still nice....) in Wellington cos she was playing in the orchestra at the ROTK premiere, and despite the fact that she never gave him my number as she was instructed to, she's pretty cool.
9) At said premiere, when being interviewed by TV3 he didn't go all serious and up-your-bum as many famous folk can be, but instead tickled the reporter and the camera man.
10) He has nice blue eyes.
11) FUCKING ARAGON!!! BOOYA.

OK so I suck at writing lists.

I have just watched A History Of Violence and it is good.
I had every intention of seeing it, but I was inspired to bump it up my netflix list by Tim and Ben, who informed me both of its awesomeness as a cinematic experience, but also of the appearance of Viggo's bottom.
Nice bottom too, not bad for a 47 year old man.

And so we say Yay Viggo, I am prepared to overlook the fact you are 17 years older than me and that you have a bum chin, and I believe with your help I can overcome my relationship/commitment phobia, and together we can move to NZ and make lovely blue-eyed babies and cross our fingers they inherit your nose and my chin.












And oh how I wish I had taken this photo....

*BIG FUCKING SIGH!!!*






Edit: Check out Grace's new banner....who's that sexy bitch?!?!

Nobody else as strong as I am, yesterday I moved a mountain, I'd like to be your hero, I am a mighty little man....

This just in: devices that allow one to chat online to friends are dangerous and should be permanently banned.

It is currently 1.58 am, I have just eaten half a box of animal crackers, which, I discovered to my chagrin, do not have icing on them like they do at home, and have written three and a bit pages of a five-or-six page paper that is due at 4pm tomorrow. I am giving up for now and going to bed because I cannot think a thought all the way through it gets all messed up on the way to being thought and I won't get an A for my paper that way, and I have to get an A because I got crap marks for the first two and even though they're only 10% each a crap mark is a crap mark.

I am being very strong at the moment though, yesterday I recorded Lost and CSI NY and today I recorded er and will watch them this weekend when I have finished doing my work in between lunch with a new student tomorrow and drinks tomorrow night with my friend and breakfast with more new students on Saturday and seeing Mr Billy Joel on Saturday night and then going to a party after that and watching the West Wing on Sunday night cos its getting really good in its last few episodes Josh and Donna even had a big snog the other day.

Also, the list of things I hate has been reduced to its normal size, and now only includes stupid people, ugly people, mean people, crap music, noisy eaters, people who sniff, racists, the wind, flat beer, misogynists, the French, cigarette smoke, my standard 2 primary school teacher, the entire Bush administration and their friends and employees, ingrown toenails, anti-abortion activists, insomnia, Jerry Springer, bats, filing tax returns, insincerity, hypocrisy, advertising, seafood, complacency, Brian Tamaki, ignorance, muffin-top jeans, people who try to impress me with how much money they have, large hoop earrings, reactionary politics and ugly shoes.

So, everything's back to normal then.

Having composed that list, however, I realise that many of those things I name are in fact sub-categories or examples of other items on the list.
Deal with it.

Ah, happiness abounds.

Rent a flat above a shop, cut your hair and get a job, smoke some fags and play some pool, pretend you never went to school....

Haha I fucking knew it!!!!

Me, right again.

I've added a few things to the list of "stuff that I don't hate"
- hot water bottles
- spaghetti bolognaise
- internet radio
- portishead
- grimshaw
- my stripey socks
- my friend ben
- milo
- my beautiful wonderful nephew
- the NZ cricket team
- the incredible healing power of nutella
- my house
-the fact that I am going home in FIFTY FIVE DAYS MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!

But that's all.

Except for all these other things that I'm not going to list cos its past my bedtime and me dad told me to go to bed an hour and a half ago so goodnight.

Guess what its the next day and surprise surprise I STILL HATE EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE except my mum and Scary Duck and Raji the mega tiger EVERYTHING ELSE IS EVIL AND HORRID AND MUST DIE except for things I say can stay which I can't be arsed listing here cos I'M TOO BUSY HATING EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE so there.

What's the time? Look, its rant o'clock!!

My American friends, do not read this post.

You know what I really hate? I really hate the assumption that New Zealand and Australia are the same thing. The distance between the two countries is the distance between New York and freaking CUBA!!! Someone asked me today if the hurricane that hit the northeast coast of Australia affected New Zealand at all, and it was all I could do not to stand up and scream in her face SURE BECAUSE WHEN HURRICANE KATRINA WAS POUNDING NEW ORLEANS I WAS ASKING PEOPLE IN TORONTO IF THEY WERE OK instead I said "I don't really know anybody on the north east coast of Australia" and she looked confused until I pointed out that the distance between the two countries is OVER TWO AND A HALF THOUSAND KILOMETRES THATS A LONG FUCKING WAY!!!
Its the distance between India and Iran, between London and Warsaw, between Paris and Morocco GET A FUCKING MAP AND LEARN SOME COUNTRIES ASIDE FROM YOUR OWN.

What else pisses me off? Hmm, lets see.

All those people who tell me to have a nice day. FUCK OFF ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS AT ALL IF I HAVE A NICE DAY OR A COMPLETE SHITE DAY JUST FUCK OFF YOU INSINCERE TWAT!!!

And the television. WOULD IT HURT YOU TO PLAY SOME TELEVISION THAT'S NOT AMERICAN!! Have you never heard of those other English speaking countries that make television?

Speaking of television. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP PLAYING REPEATS!!! About half the time the few decent programmes that are on are repeats with no explanation whatsoever AND THEY'RE THE SAME FUCKING EPISODES!!!! fuckers.
House has been off for three weeks; for what reason you may ask? SO THE MONKEYS CAN WATCH AMERICAN IDOL COS GOD FORBID THEY WOULD WORRY ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT LIKE THE FACT THEIR COUNTRY'S ECONOMY IS GOING TO COLLAPSE SOON BECAUSE DEFICIT SPENDING IS OUT OF CONTROL!!!!

And the ads. Holy Mary mother of God give me strength. There's ads between programmes. There's ads after the credits. Then there's five minutes of programme (which I've usually seen before) and more fucking ads!!!
And all the fucking ads are for chain restaurants or drugs. Sometimes the drugs ones are really tricky, and they manage to INVENT A DISEASE SO THEY CAN SELL YOU A DRUG FOR IT!!! THE REASON NOBODY'S HEARD OF RESTLESS LEG SYNDROME IS BECAUSE YOU MADE IT UPSO YOU COULD CON THE STUPID PEOPLE INTO BUYING YOUR DUMB DRUG YOU PROBABLY TESTED ON PUPPIES!!!!!

And stop putting antibiotics in everything!! You wonder why superbugs are breeding that are immune to antibiotics? Stop with the antibiotic air filters and soap and dishwashing liquid and all the other stuff YOU NEED BACTERIA ON YOUR SKIN AND IN YOUR BODY OTHERWISE YOU'LL DIE!! Of course if they kill their immune systems then the pharmaceutical companies will make a mint, so just play along little marching ants.

Additionally, LEARN TO SPELL THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE!!! There is a difference between insure and ensure and in all the readings I've done since I've been here only ONE PERSON has got it right.

VOTERS OF AMERICA STOP ELECTING RICH WHITE STRAIGHT MEN TO BE YOUR LEADERS!!!! Guess what? A person is not defined solely by their skin colour, their sexual orientation, their religion, their ethnicity or the contents of their knickers, any more than I am defined by the colour of my dad's car, which is silver, btw.

And overweight middle-aged women? Stop wearing white trainers with your ugly jeans tucked into ugly white shirts. Also, VISIT A HAIRDRESSER COS GUESS WHAT ITS NOT 1987 ANYMORE!!!!

Kids with their pants hanging down below their knees? YOU THINK YOU LOOK SO COOL AND GANGSTA BUT GUESS WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE A COMPLETE TWAT PEOPLE ARE LAUGHING AT YOU PULL YOUR PANTS UP LOSER!! And I bet you've got a cold bum.

The radio stations. OR LACK THEREOF!!! Would it kill you to have a radio station that played anything other than cock rock, whiny emo crap and the worst shittiest crappiest fourth rate hip hop? THERE IS SO MUCH GOOD MUSIC OUT THERE GO AND FIND IT YOU FUCKERS!!!

And the wrapping on EVERYTHING!! Our new phone book arrived the other day. It was wrapped in a plastic bag, and then wrapped in another plastic bag. Why? NO FUCKING IDEA!!! I go to the supermarket and they put TWO ITEMS IN A BAG AND ITS NOT LIKE THINGS THAT WILL MESS UP OTHER THINGS I think they have a deal going with the people who manufacture plastic bags to use up loads of them, same with the people who put milk in those tiny wee packets, who individually wrap teabags, and who have packet sugar everywhere instead of sugar bowls COS BUGGER THE PLANET AYE?!?!

I also hate that the light in my room just conked out, that I have a headache, that I have a ridiculous amount of work to do in the next seven weeks, that I got shitty marks for my first two civil-military relations papers and now I have to write stellar papers for the next two to up my marks to the level to which I have become accustomed, that I lost half this blog and had to rewrite it, that windows media player is shit at being random, that I know iTunes and winamp are better but all the times I have tried to import all my tunes into either of them something goes wrong and I don't have time to fix it, that I have a hundred photos in my computer waiting to be organised and named that I don't have time to fix, that I have been away from my family for longer than I care to count, that its cold, that its eleven o'clock and I still have work to do, that I've only lost about four pounds, and that I only feel mildly better after ranting than before.

Right, back to the salt mines then.

Monday Hottie
or,
Reason # 475 why cricket is the finest sport there is

It features players such as the talented and ridiculously good-looking Daniel Vettori (who is celebrating because we beat the West Indies by ten wickets, thus winning the test series).

........sigh.......

Interpol shizzles my nizzle

I have a friend, his name is Tim, and although he never updates his blog he's still cool cos he sent me the link to an mp3 of Interpol live.
Unfortunately, I don't know how to save it to my computer without buying a Quicktime upgrade thingy. Said Quicktime upgrade thingy costs $30 and being a poor student, thats a little outside my budget.
Suggestions in the box please.

Hmmm. Unless I download it directly from npr.

From such crooked wood as that which man is made of, nothing straight can be fashioned - Immanuel Kant

Right so all those who thought there was something perhaps a little wonky about me?
You were right.
I am wonky, crooked, twisted, bent, warped, deformed and generally not right.
Its official now.
I have been seeing a chiropractor, because I've had a headache for about three months and I got a little sick of it. As you do. Anyhoo, this nice chiropractor has been adjusting my neck and spine a little, but wanted to get some preliminary x-rays to get a good picture of what a mess my body is I mean to check the precise alignment (or lack thereof as it turned out) of my spine.

And as it transpires I have scoliosis.

I have a curve in my spine where there is not supposed to be a curve, pretty much exactly the same as the nice lady in the photo. I am also missing a curve in my neck where there is supposed to be one, further exacerbating my crippple-ness. Also adding to my general theme of "lets have curves in all the wrong places".
So now my chiropractor has 18 insurance funded appointments to remedy 30 years of gammy spine.
Although, I'm pretty sure that the hundreds of times I got thrown off my horse had something to do with it. So maybe 20 years. Anyhoo.

I AM A CRIPPLE!!!! ARGH!!!! insert cripple jokes here.

Hey, does this mean I can get all the good seats at concerts? Cos that would be SWEET!!!!

Also, I nearly had a complete meltdown earlier today. You know that feeling when you've had a deep tissue massage or a chiropractic adjustment? And you feel magic for a day, and then all the nasty toxins and lactic acid that were in your muscles and ligaments that were released make you feel like complete shit but there's no definate one thing that feels like crap you just get in an inexplicably thunderously raging mood because all these toxins are rushing through your body which is trying desperately to get rid of them because they're poison?

Just me? Ok.

Well my latest occurence of that had the misfortune to coincide with me being at school trying to print shit out and the computers in my department SUCK ARSE ten different ways as does the printer which was this close (very very close) to being thrown out the window. Its entirely possible I said "motherfucker cunting fucking shitfuck arse" twenty times in the space of about ten minutes. Quite a feat, really.

Right well I'm going to take my crippled arse downstairs for some food.
WAAAAAHHHHHH. BEING A CRIPPLE SUCKS!!!!
Although I have complete faith in my crippled-ness generating some significant humour.

Man, Sarah is going to have a field day with this. We always have nicknames for each other, from Pancho and Cisco in high school, to Smelly and Slappy in recent years. For a brief period there I was Cripple and she was Tard (retard, get it? hur hur) and I think perhaps we are due for a revival.

BRING THE CRIPPLE JOKES!!!!!

In lieu of anything interesting to write, we here at Planet Claire would like to present you with a poetic interlude, to enhance your cultural experience

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go my dear and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and its you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

e.e. cummings

Mis-shapes, mistakes, misfits, raised on a diet of broken biscuits....

I know its been a few days since I've written a post, and as much as I'd love to write a post right now about how its supposed to be spring but its snowing, and all the wonderful things I've been doing during my holiday, I HAVE TO GO AND DRINK BEER NOW. WITH MY FRIENDS!!!!
Man, its tough at the top.

I am the son, and the heir, of a shyness that is criminally vulgar...

Blogger just had a tanty at me. Lippy bitch.

Todays observations include the following:
- my room is a shit tip
- apparently two and a half glasses of wine are sufficient to generate a hangover in a sad old cow like myself
- My IPE prof is the business
- snow + rain = slush; slush = wet feet
- CSI Warrick Brown is still hot like fire
- Thai green curry with veges and coconut milk is fantastic
- I often am not completely aware what day it is
- I really have nothing to blog about today.

Regained your self control and regained your self esteem and blind your success inspired and analyse despise and scrutinise never knowing what you hope for and safe and warm but life is so silent for the victims who have no speech

I am in an EXTREMELY FUCKING WEIRD MOOD!!
Ok so listening to Manic St Preachers is always good for that, but I think thats an effect, not a cause.
So, I finished my IPE paper. Technically it was two papers but hey. Done. Like a dinner.

La tristesse durera

Because neither of us have ever been in the cool girl's clique, Holly and I are starting our own.

I know I believe in nothing but it is my nothing.

There is so much that I sometimes want to just let out of my head and into this blog because its a particular version of me but I know that people who read this will ask questions and then I'll have to explain things and I can't even say the words to describe it let alone explain myself so I'm not going to and why the fuck am I thinking about it now what the fuck is up with that.

Lebensraum, kulturkampf, raus raus, fila fila

I miss my family so much sometimes then I try and make it go away but it never really helps its just me projecting stuff which is never good.

I am all the things that you regret, a truth that washes, that learnt to spell

My best friend's brother is getting married on Saturday and I wish like nobody's business I could be there to share it with her.

If you tolerate this your children will be next.

In 71 days I will be thirty.

Self worth scatters, self esteem's a bore, I long since moved to a higher plateau

Let's start a fire, Let's start a riot, Yeah it's awful, It was punk, it was perfect now
it's awful, They know how to break all the girls like you, And the rob the souls of
the girls like you, And they break the hearts of girls...

/sarcastic font

My day today was FANTASTIC!!!!!!
I got up HORRENDOUSLY early to catch a bus which I stood out in the FREEZING COLD for 20 minutes waiting for only to discover that the bus had come past WAY early and I had missed it so I had to go home and call a taxi and pay $15 to get to the DENTIST when a bus would have cost ONE DOLLAR and I'm too skint to afford taxis.

Then I get to the dentist and get a FILLING which HURT because it was on the tooth next to my FUCKED UP tooth that needs the old root canal removed and a new one done but I have to wait until I get home in May for that because it will cost ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS if I get it done here and much less at home because I won't pay I'll tell the dentist he fucked it up cos he did and he can fix it for free AND IF HES GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT HE CAN TAKE IT UP WITH MY LAWYER (note to self: get lawyer).

Then I NEARLY CHOKED TO DEATH on some stray amalgalm and had all sorts of ICKY TASTING THINGS in my mouth like dental instruments and chemicals yucky.

And then I waited in the FREEZING COLD for a bus that took HALF AN HOUR to arrive when it was supposed to take ten minutes then I finally got to university having had to get another bus after that and had a meeting and bought a birthday present for my nephew and then I had an appointment with the doctor the details of which I will not go into suffice to say GIRLS WE ALL KNOW ABOUT THOSE REALLY CHARMING DOCTOR'S VISITS DON'T WE.

And now I have to write my IPE paper which is actually ok cos I heart IPE in the worst possible way (I think my nerd rating just flew off the scale) but to do so I have to read BHAGWATI who is just WRONG ABOUT SO MUCH and he makes me angry because HE BASES HIS ARGUMENTS ON FLAWED PREMISES like the universal applicability of liberal democratic institutions and the notion that ALL PEOPLE ARE INHERENTLY CAPITALISTS and the only reason people object to economic globalisation is because THEY DON'T KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT IT which is dumb.

So there.

First It Giveth...

Fuck!!!
I'm sitting her writing a paper thats due at 10am ie in less that ten hours and I've written four pages and have said nearly half of what I want to say and its only supposed to be about six pages so Oh Shit and I decided to take a break and read some blogs and so I go to read the blog of my blog crush and as I'm doing so I turn the tunes on and the first tune that starts is first it giveth then it taketh away and I'm reading blog crush's blog and he said he quit blogging and thats it thats all its over and my friend Josh is singing first it giveth then it taketh away and I'm thinking fucking hell Josh you always know what's going on also FUCK NOW MY SUPER HOT BLOG CRUSH HAS QUIT BLOGGING HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CHECK HIM OUT NOW THIS IS WAY SADDER THAN IT SHOULD BE FUCK SHIT ARSE CUNTY TITWANK BOLLOCKS

I really need a holiday. And quite possibly a cup of tea and a lie down.

Test me like a bomb straight from Mururoa...

Today I went to class and was late and ate a bagel and went to the gym and walked home and cooked myself some fucking eggs and read my books for class and posted comments on the readings on the class webpage which only works through stupid internet explorer and talked Patrick in Adelaide in msn and chatted to Ben in Christchurch and Gwen in Michigan and Hester in Wellington on Google chat then had to turn my pooter off because its DISTRACTING THERES SO MANY SHINY PRETTY THINGS TO LOOK AT and then I made a kick-arse chicken salad and ate it while watching Lost not much Sawyer but good nonetheless and now I'm chatting to Grace and listening to Pitch Black and blogging life is good.

I was thinking.
Its been such a long time since I've had a really good snog. My friend was most disappointed in me that I didn't get a snog in Toronto.
I think I was a little disappointed in myself.

OK that will be all.