AN OPEN LETTER TO MR THOMAS JANE

Dear Tom
I am writing to apply for the position of "your girlfriend".
Last night I saw "The Punisher", and my friend, we need to talk. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of these stalker types, or a bandwagon jumper whos only interested in you because of a recent movie. I thought you were well fit in "Deep Blue Sea", and I rented "The Velocity of Gary" for more than its cool title. Having seen your recent efforts has merely confirmed my suspicions.
We need to hook up. Badly.
No really, I think we'd be great together! Let me tell you a bit about myself, and why I'd be the best girlfriend ever.
I very nearly have an MA in political science, and I am the proud owner of a post graduate degree in English, therefore am qualified to have informed intellectual discussion on the great works of literature and politics, which comes in very handy at dinner parties. I also have a tiny bit of modelling experience, which makes me qualified to dress up in designer labels at glittery Hollywood events, make small talk with the beautiful people, and act as your personal ornament. I also was a chef for several years, and am therefore somewhat of a whizz in the kitchen.
In my spare time I like to change car tyres wearing Daisy Dukes and singlet tops, bake muffins and give shoulder massages. I have a house in the mountains for those romantic winter getaways, as well as a hell of a right upper-cut to get rid of those annoying paparazzi types. I also have strawberry blonde hair and ridiculously long legs.
I sincerely hope you will consider me for the position of "Tom's girlfriend", and I quiver in gleeful anticipation of your reply.
Yours delusionally,
Claire.