The Art of War, Lesson One: Know your enemy

Ok check out this woman in the photo with the handsome man.
Yes, she's very pretty, and she has a nice frock, and I'm sure she's a very nice person.

But.....

Does she come from a good South Island family?
Does she have a double major Bachelor's degree, an Honours degree, a Graduate Diploma of Arts (with distinction), and a Master's degree in Political Science (with merit)?
Does she have a 3.7 GPA at a top social science school in New York?
Does her family have a very nice house with a spa in Wanaka?
Does she have ridiculously long legs?
Did she spend a summer in the Greek Islands doing nothing much aside from drinking and bungy jumping?
In about 4 years, will she be the proud owner of a shiny new PhD?
Can she tie a knot in a cherry stalk with her tongue?
Does she have pretty, albeit unmanageable red curls?
Is she a fantastically good cook?
Does she have the scrummiest chocolate brown knee high leather boots in the world?
Can she scratch her forehead with her big toe?
Can she talk informedly for long periods about the hegemonic discourses of development and colonialism, or the implications for political economy of modes of production?
Does her Daddy have a plane?

So nya nya pretty lady who is dating Nathan Fillion, you may have a gorgeous and much coveted boyfriend, but I have all these other cool things as well, many of which I am sure you do not have, and I am going to keep repeating them to myself until I feel better about you stealing my imaginary boyfriend.