But its not my kind of scene

iTunes knows what's going on. I turn it on and the first thing to come on is Powderfinger's "My Kind of Scene", as in "its not my kind of scene".
Cos its not. Not this.

I think I had an epiphany tonight.
Everything is coming back.

Maybe its the fact that its 11.46pm and I have too much work to be going to bed anytime soon, maybe its the rain, maybe its the fact that I haven't seen my family for 317 days, maybe its everything thats happened in those 317 days that has tested us all on an atomic level, maybe its the fact that in 16 days I will be confronted with a truth that is eight months and seven days old for everyone who was there but which for me will be all too new because while in my head I know its true, that he is actually gone in the gone-and-not-coming-back kind of gone, I haven't seen their faces, the faces of those little angels who unbeknownst to them taught me to be a better person, the children who I love more than the sun and the moon and the stars, and when I see those faces and I see him in those faces then and only then will it be real.

I can't go posting things on here before I tell people in person, my people here, the ones here who matter and who have been my family. And its not like I can tell people anything, because nothing is decided yet.

But sometimes allowing oneself the option to decide evokes a sense of relief sufficient to generate real tears. Never underestimate the sheer effort it takes on a daily basis to be a stranger in a strange land.

I find a map and draw a straight line

I have had another friend invitation on facebook, and am unsure of the protocol. I have met this person once, I think, but she just happens to be engaged to the boy who broke my heart 7 years ago. I therefore have very little inclination to want to be nice to her, despite the fact that I have moved on and want everybody to be happy.

Am I too petty? Should I just suck it up? I like to think that I reserve the 'friend' status for people I actually know and like (well, most of the time....)

I talked to a friend about it, and he said I should be her friend, but I think I am just too vindictive and mean. (They're not faults if you know about them, you see....)
I think I want everybody to be happy in love as long as I am happy in love.

Le sigh......

At least I have this to look forward to:


Bring the geekery!

The Definition of Cold

-2 pairs woolly socks
-warm track pants
-long sleeved merino top
-t-shirt
-my sister's big brown woollen cardigan
-merino scarf
-polypropylene lined woollen hat
-pure wool gloves
-big heavy sheepskin coat

and it took 15 minutes of walking before I wasn't freezing anymore.

All so that this little fluffy bum could get another walk. The back yard doesn't look like that anymore. Its covered in this cold white stuff.....

In which Tyratae rocks my world and makes my day

The astute reader may have observed that I went to DC the weekend before last. There, at the National Zoo, I realised that the thing my life was missing (aside from inner peace, a recurring role on CSI and a European sports car) is a panda bear.
Now I has one!!! Thanks to the delightful Tyratae, for whom I have insufficient adjectives. She turned up at my door today on the pretence of coming over for crumpets and a cuppa, armed with a bag of early Christmassy gifty love in the shape of a fuzzy soft panda.
But now he needs a name. I was going to name him after my glorious giftgiver, until I came to the conclusion that he is in fact a boy.
To me all bears are boys, just like all cats are girls (sorry Piddy. And Puku. And Felix. And Sprocket. And George. And Matty...... Hell's bells. You're cats! You can't read! Go back to licking your bottoms) I have no idea where this gendered concept of animal identification came from, but hey. Whatevs.

So help me, you last three people who continue to tune in.
Name my panda, and, well, that's it. No prize, except for my approval (just ask my students, that's a rare commodity there!)

Name the bear!
Suggestions in the box please.

Low Red Moon, how can you sleep like a baby?

Just finished a 20 page paper...... only 2 more of those, and 2 six pagers to go, in 3 & 1/2 weeks.
Then I get to go home, for a whole month!

Needless to say my school Crisis of Faith is still going strong, but right now I am 80% certain I will come back here in January. That is a vast improvement over a few weeks ago, when it was getting close to 80% the other way. Hell, odds have been that way for a solid few months now.
All I need to do now is get all this shit done, and not freak out, and then I get some serious whanau time to try and figure out what I am doing.

It doesn't help that I am still mourning the loss of tv-links.co.uk, and that I am PMSing like you have never seen, and I need to get the little windscreen wiper motor on my car fixed and its 1.57am and its cold and I'm tired and I still haven't been able to cuddle baby Caleb cos I'm sick.

I need to call all my friends and apologise in advance for ignoring them for the next 3 & 1/2 weeks.
I also need to go to Vicky's and buy some hand cream for my mum. She has a Vicky's handcream dependency problem.
Only 25 days.......

In which Claire is overly emotionally invested in TV programmes

Spoiler alert!!!
So I just watched the latest episode of CSI, "Goodbye and Good Luck".
Yep.

There were tears.

I'm not sure if its pathetic or not, the degree to which I get invested in fictional characters. Right now I am inclined to think that its not that pathetic, but that might be the wine/emotional trauma talking.

A long time ago, perhaps 2 years ago, I began compiling a list of my favourite TV characters. Of course Sara Sidle made the top of that list, for a multitude of reasons, and now she is no longer on television. I am sure that in the CSI universe she still exists, and spoilers I have read tell me that she will be back, but for now, I kind of feel cheated.
I'm kind of pissed off that I have been deprived of my weekly Sara fix, because I find her inspiring.
She is strong and tough and damaged and and brilliant and beautiful and complicated and I can identify with that some of that sort of thing.

But now its 10.46pm and I've got a grip on myself and I have to write a 6 page paper by 9.30am tomorrow.
I just wanted to let you know that this may turn into a Jorja Fox fansite.....

Mad Mad Skillz

I'm going through a pretty major omelette phase right now, I can't explain it. When it comes time to eat all I can think about is eggy goodness, and my creative juices just go wild!

Currently I'm sitting here with the post-prandial satisfaction of one who has yet again excelled in the omelette-making stakes. Today's effort consisted of broccoli, spinach, green peppers, sharp cheese, blue cheese, garlic and chilli sauce, complemented by a rasher or two of bacon. Ok, three.

The trick to a good omelette I have recently discovered is to not put any milk in with the eggs when you mix it up. Then, once you have all the ingredients on the omelette, put a lid on it and turn the heat down as low as it can go, and deliciousness shall ensue.

I also must stress the importance of using free-range SPCA/Humane Society approved eggs, because who wants a side order of cruelty in their meal?

This lesson in the culinary arts brought to you by the giant stack of exams I have to grade by midday tomorrow.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.....

I suck at blogging.

Update: Matt, my brother-from-another-mother (and another country...) had a baby. Wee Caleb (thought you'd like that Sarah) is too cute for words, and contrary to his father's opinion, will NOT be playing rugby for England. He will play for NZ. Because I will steal him. Because he is too cute. Its worth noting that today Matt was wearing his NZ rugby jersey, and that Caleb, all of a day old, was eyeing up the mighty silver fern. Good lad!!!

Going to DC tomorrow. Ok, to Maryland tomorrow, to stay with a family friend, then to see some DC sights and museums then J's Gilbert and Sullivan extravaganza...... awesome.

Have to get up 4 hours to finish this fucking paper.
Nighty night.

Because a change is apparently as good as a holiday....



I cut my hair.

Then I straightened it.

So, in the space of a week I have gone from shoulder length blonde curly hair to a short dark straight bob. Fun times.

Also, how much do I look like Alison Janney in that first pic? Quite a lot, methinks...... although that may be the wine talking.

if only I put as much time and effort into my school work as I do my hair....

Remember, remember the fifth of Movember

Movember is here again, beware the handlebars!!!!

The Street signed up for the Aussie one, being a resident of Melbourne-town.
Go and hook a brother up. He has promised all sorts of handlebar goodness.

In other news, I carved my first ever pumpkin last weekend. Of course I couldn't carve a face or anything simple like that, I had to aim high.

So, I carved a butterfly.



Cordell carved a Decepticon logo, that was pretty awesome too.

Next day I woke up blonde and went to bed looking like this
The tattoos were fakes, only for my Fairy GothMother costume.

OK time for CSI now.