Saturday, February 25, 2006

I am the resurrection and I am the light, I couldn't ever bring myself to hate you as I'd like

I have been in a most strange mood for the last day or so perhaps its something to do with these new drugs I got I took them for the first time last night after two glasses of red wine and watching Finding Neverland and the subsequent half hour of crying mostly about the movie but sometimes its good to have a cry.

Anyway. I get these hella headaches, the ones I was on about a few weeks ago, where the only thing that helps is a glass of wine and a hot water bottle on the back of my neck but sometimes you can't do that so I said Hey doc, whats up I think I need a chiropractor she said hey try these pills I said Ummm, I'll say I will but I probably won't take them. Anyway, they're muscle relaxants, because I have a tendency to get GREAT BIG FUCK OFF muscle knots in my back and neck because I worry about EVERYTHING hence the headaches etc.
So I took half of one last night just as I was turning the light out, and I slept for nearly 12 hours and felt all dopey today and got all sad not depressed thats a different feeling like kind of melancholic. I didn't hate my life or the usual depressed feeling, I was just really sad. Which is to be expected occasionally, but it doesn't happen to me much because I have practically ZERO to be sad about I was born under the luckiest of lucky stars and the Good Lord has been ridiculously good to me ever since which makes me think that perhaps my initial skepticism about taking the pills was well-founded and maybe I'll throw the little fuckers out because its better to worry about shit than to poison your body she says sitting here with a glass of feijoa vodka and orange next to her.

But I think worry is good, if we weren't worried about stuff we wouldn't do anything about it, if I wasn't worried about 3rd world debt I wouldn't write papers about how Sub-Saharan Africa spends US$30 million a day on debt servicing while all her children die of diseases it would cost a few cents to immunise them against, if I wasn't worried about civil war I wouldn't have written my thesis on how the World Bank has insane amounts of potential to act as a preventative measure and how they are recently coming to terms with the fact that loan conditionality doesn't work, if I wasn't worried about the environment I wouldn't yell at my flatmates about putting the tins in the blue bin not the rubbish, if I wasn't worried about never finding true love I wouldn't cry my eyes out at romantic movies, if I wasn't worried about my health and fitness I wouldn't worry about my fat tummy and my cheese addiction.

I think what I need to work on it not the worry I have, but perhaps on directing that worry in the right direction and having it at the right time.

OK, where was I going with this......

Right. I was thinking about giving up drinking for Lent, but then I thought it would be kind of hypocritical, and probably dead insulting actually, because I take issue with the idea of organised religion as it has manifested itself in my life (and no thats not incompatible with the above acknowledgement of all the things the Good Lord has given me). And then I thought the reason I would have done it was because of this weight loss thing I've been working on (actually doing a pretty shite job in the last few days but hey. Nobody's perfect). So, perhaps I'll just quit drinking during the week or something.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, I refuse to become one of these women who labels food a sin, who deprives themselves of all the good things in the world purely so they can conform to some artificial idea of beauty which reeks of unhealthiness because fuck that life's too short. However, in less than three months its my thirtieth birthday and when I'm an old lady I want to look back on photos of me looking fit and slim and healthy.
So I'm thinking I may have to cut down significantly on the booze, on the pasta, on the cheesey toppings. Not cut them out completely, but cut down. Currently I'm at the top end of the healthy category on the body mass index scale. If my will remains strong, I will be smack bang in the middle of the healthy category by the 18th of May.

Here's my goal. By my birthday, I will post a picture. Including even some exposed stomach that will not look AT ALL like it does now.


ps I posted this so now its out in the open and I have incentive to stick to it because otherwise I'd talk myself out of it because I'm gifted like that. Amongst other gifts....
pps don't get me wrong I'm not looking for reassurance that I'm not a big fat cow cos I ain't, I am just looking for a little improvement dammit you try staring down the barrel of thirty and tell me it doesn't make you re-evaluate some things!!