Sunday, January 22, 2006

Sometimes I feel like I can't even sing...

Sometimes I just get all silly you know. Then I think that I'm not being silly, I'm just tired and my defences are down and I just want to let out all the noise in my head and this is the perfect forum for this because people who know me in the real world know this isn't all of me its only a tiny part its not the part that picks at her skin when she knows it will make it scar and the part that sometimes thinks every freckle and mole is a death sentence and the part that doodles things that rhyme and that talks to herself sometimes just to practice how things sound.
I find quotes in the silliest movies that really get me sometimes. I have said sometimes four times already not counting that last one and not counting the title.
They are often the simplest things, and when I watch the silly movie they get stored away in my head and then all of a sudden when I'm doing something else completely unrelated they jump out at me like they've been hiding away behind recipes and colour recognition and French verbs and say Boo! hello we've just come to visit and we've bought our friends, and their friends are all the things that go with that particular simple little quote and then they get me thinking about all the stuff I don't normally think about because I'm a Strong Independent Woman and I refuse to be one of those women who always needs a man around to make her feel whole and complete because I believe that if you can't make yourself whole then you're fucked nobody can help you. You must find your own self and get to know and love it and then find someone who feels the same way and loves your soul despite its jagged glaring flaws and doesn't mind so much if you get really drunk and puke after a big night and still thinks you're sexy wearing trackpants and swearing because you're having the worst period cramps in the history of the universe.
There's this movie called Practical Magic and its not very good despite having Goran Visnjic in it, and Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman play sisters who are witches and they are talking about men and one says what would you do and the other one says what wouldn't I do, for the right man and initially I though that's just dumb get a backbone bitch, then I realised she's right, because no matter who you are finding a person you love and who loves you truly madly deeply is so rare that you should not let go easily. This is what I can't understand about these fucknuts who want to stop gay people getting married, we shouldn't be shaming people who have found love we should be celebrating them and having parades for them and throwing them parties and revelling in the reflected glow of their love because people who have found love with another soul who loves them back are so fucking lucky its not funny.
It seems so easy for some people, everywhere I turn here people way younger than me are married and in these happy relationships and I think is it really so easy? why is it so easy for you? I know I'm broken but I'm getting better and if the right one exists then I'll do everything in my power to make it work without sacrificing my own things for his because that's bullshit.
But then I could sit here and complain about all the things I don't have when I have things in my life that people would kill for I have my health I'm clever I'm a bit pretty I'm in a really good graduate school and I'm doing really well I've got a family I freaking adore and who love me to the moon and back I've got a best friend who is the bestest best friend ever and I've got nice straight teeth and very long legs and I'm very tall and have lots of material things and I come from the best country in the world and there are a lot of people who love me so what the fuck am I whining about? I'm not whining I'm just having a moment because sometimes I'm sick of waking up alone and being the single girl and having invitations addressed to me alone because the assumption is I'll come alone and hearing about all these people who have found love and I'm happy for them I really am but I want someone to be happy for me cos its my turn now come on I'm waiting.
If anyone tries to use the comments box to make some lame arse hit on me comment I will fucking ban you for life I am so serious it will leave a mark.