Sunday, April 02, 2006

Oh look, it's rant o'clock again;
Or, for the sake of your mental health, don't read this post because its just me being mental

I am angry and hateful.
This time, however, my vitriol is directed at one person in particular.
Why? Because I am unceasingly idiotic when it comes to one particular thing. Ok, two particular things, but we're not talking about boys today.
Today, we are angry about the money, and its ability to render me completely at it's mercy.
Yes, I am in graduate school, and therefore am expected to be as poor as a church mouse, but this is just dumb. I just get so angry at myself for continuing to behave in the same fashion over and over again, when experience has proven that attempting to live outside one's means is a Really Freaking Bad Idea (tm).
Shit, its not like I'm thousands of dollars in debt, and sitting here being forced to process my thoughts in order to get them onto the page is demonstrating that this is probably a case of storm, meet teacup, now get in there, but I get so angry with myself with continuing to repeat the same things over and over again, and the thing is I manage to completely rationalise it to myself at the time. I think no, its ok to spend $45 at the supermarket on stuff I really don't need when I only have $100 to live on for two weeks, and then I end up using the money I was supposed to send home to live on instead of sending it home and now my bank account at home is overdrawn by a couple of hundred dollars and I'm waiting for my tax return and the money from the university for my travel grant and my next pay which is a whole 12 days away cos I only got paid on Friday and most of all I hate that I have let myself down again and the real stinger is that the whole thing is going to end up costing me money because I spent the money instead of sending it home.

So what really pisses me off is my ability to talk myself into stuff, which is great because I have crazy fun adventures and do things like bungy jumping but it also sucks arse cos I can completely rationalise spending my severely limited funds on immediate things instead of sending it home to take care of my accidental overdraft.

I often make jokes about being a crazy mental person, but here is some proof for you.
Repeating the same actions over again and expecting different results.
They should just lock me up now.