The Art of War, Lesson One: Know your enemy

Ok check out this woman in the photo with the handsome man.
Yes, she's very pretty, and she has a nice frock, and I'm sure she's a very nice person.

But.....

Does she come from a good South Island family?
Does she have a double major Bachelor's degree, an Honours degree, a Graduate Diploma of Arts (with distinction), and a Master's degree in Political Science (with merit)?
Does she have a 3.7 GPA at a top social science school in New York?
Does her family have a very nice house with a spa in Wanaka?
Does she have ridiculously long legs?
Did she spend a summer in the Greek Islands doing nothing much aside from drinking and bungy jumping?
In about 4 years, will she be the proud owner of a shiny new PhD?
Can she tie a knot in a cherry stalk with her tongue?
Does she have pretty, albeit unmanageable red curls?
Is she a fantastically good cook?
Does she have the scrummiest chocolate brown knee high leather boots in the world?
Can she scratch her forehead with her big toe?
Can she talk informedly for long periods about the hegemonic discourses of development and colonialism, or the implications for political economy of modes of production?
Does her Daddy have a plane?

So nya nya pretty lady who is dating Nathan Fillion, you may have a gorgeous and much coveted boyfriend, but I have all these other cool things as well, many of which I am sure you do not have, and I am going to keep repeating them to myself until I feel better about you stealing my imaginary boyfriend.

And now an update from our celeb-stalking news desk....

Anyone fancy a trip to California, say Decemberish?
Maybe around the 8th-10th?
Maybe do a little conventioning?
Stalk some nice Canadians?
Ok?
See you then, fan-geeks!
I'll be the tall red-head being dragged out by security.

Cause you can't jump the track we're like cars on a cable, and life's like an hourglass glued to the table, no one can find the rewind button now

Its been a week since my last blog, and thirty years since my last confession.
I am in a weird mood, more so than usual. Perhaps its because my sister and I got drunk last night and I always feel a little quiet after a skinful of sauvignon blanc...maybe its because I've been listening to that lovely Anna Nalick song that was on Grey's Anatomy and its so sad and truthful and beautiful and now I'm listening to Damien Rice and yesterday it was all about James Blunt....perhaps its because life never ceases to be interesting...or perhaps its because my rice wafers are all broken (Note: that is not a metaphor for some deep seated psychological trauma, the rice wafers are actually broken).

The good news is, I am now the proud owner of the following DVDs: the complete Firefly, the complete Black Books, Serenity, Labyrinth and Pi.
All I need now is Blackadder, the Young Ones, the complete X Files, Buffy, Angel, The West Wing and M*A*S*H, and I need never achieve anything again!!! Also, a telly would be good. I'll put that on the shopping list too, as well as a remote control for the DVD player so we have more options than stop and start.

I am going to the travel agent in an hour to get my tickets back to NY.
I wonder where I will end up? I want to be here, to live in the same city as my family, and in this country which is by far the greatest in the world, I want my children to grow up here, but I don't know how to do that. If I plan on acheiving my ambitions it will be many years before I can live here, buy a house and get myself all settled. Even if I end up teaching at a university, my options are few. There are only 4 universities in NZ that I would work at, and I wouldn't live in Australia again.
It feels a bit like I will have to choose between two types of life. I should be grateful I have the option really.
Ok enough of this shit.
Here's a picture.

Why drive when you can fly?

Aha, I'm only flying because the freaking roads are closed, and because my Dad is an angel and didn't want me to miss the conference in Dunedin this weekend, so in a few hours I will be off to cold snowy Dunedin for a weekend of drinking, partying and the politics of sport in a globalising world. Fun.

Umm....I miss my friends in NY, its cold here but still good to be home, am not working as much as I should, and I broke my niece's arm*.

*It was totally an accident and not remotely my fault, it was only a tiny wee greenstick fracture, she doesn't even need a bandage let alone a cast, everybody knows it was not my fault I only picked her up like I have done a thousand times before and she doesn't seem to mind at all she still loves me and was standing on her hands last night so it can't hurt that much at all.....none of which distracts sufficiently from the fact that I BROKE ROSIE!!!
Am currently awaiting a call from CYPS who will likely arrest me, lock me up in a special Bad Auntie prison and throw away the key.

There's no place that I can't be....

Aha, here is my official coming out party....I AM A GIGANTIC NERD!!!!

And I am going to marry this man and have lovely little Canadian/NZ babies.
Sorry Hesty.

In other news, I went horseriding yesterday with my niece, and I have a remarkably sore arse today.

Ok bye.

I'll take you over...

Here is the next month:
June 23rd-26th: Dunedin
July 4th-7th: Auckland (well Whangaparoa to be exact...or maybe Orewa....)
July 14th-17th: Wellington

Also to do: Wanaka, and possibly Mount Hutt.

In the last five weeks I have been in:
Syracuse, New York
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Phoenix, Arizona
Los Angeles, California
Auckland
Dunedin
Wanaka
Queenstown
Arrowtown

Such a busy wee bee....it turns out that three months really isn't that long when you're at home and have many things to do and lots of people to see and then end up working as well....
Its a good thing I'm stopping off in LA for a wee holiday on my way back isn't it?

In other news.... life is good. The usual dramas and worries of course, but all is well.
How are you all doing?

Listening on the misty frequencies....

Last night we had a BBQ. It was an unseasonably mild evening, and there was a brand new BBQ to christen. Much fun was had....

This morning, after a night of thumping rain, we awoke to snow. It keeps coming, and in a town that is not equipped to deal with snow, it makes for an interesting sight, and a quiet political science department!

So now I'm stuck at work, waiting for my Dad to come and pick me up in the Land Rover because the road up the hill to my sister's house where I live is closed to pretty much everyone except people in Land Rovers.

One thing about living in NZ: unpredictability. You don't like the weather? Wait 20 minutes!
Never a dull moment.

Fuck

I had a root canal this morning....and the anaesthetic just wore off.

Ouch.

I just had a hot bath and now am all scrummy
Ah, the sheer joy of dial up!!!
I tried to email a photo to someone last night, and ended up having to give up because the combination of a dial up connection and 5 mega pixel photos was all a bit much.

So....I wonder if I have any blog friends left after my recent erratic presence on the internets.

Let's see, aye?

Here are a couple of good-looking boys for your viewing pleasure.

Its a hard road finding the perfect woman....

I am kind of back online, but you know how it is....busy busy busy.
Actually I am surprised at how busy I have been since I got home, and at how much I have drunk. The day before yesterday was the first day I didn't drink any booze since about a week before I left NY, so very soon I will have to do a big old detox and stay off the booze for a few weeks so my poor old body doesn't collapse.
But not tonight, because my bff and her plp are coming over for dins, and there will be wine, and much rejoicing.

I now have an office in my old dept at uni and the university is paying for my internet access and so I can't really spend too much time blogging or I'll get in big piles of barney....so I'm off now to look up who can give me the fastest dial-up, because most of my family still live in dial-up land and seeing as how I am living with them in their various houses, I too must live in dial-up land.
Me Mum has gone to the land of the Jafa this weekend, so I have her house to myself until Thursday.....party anyone?

Photos to follow.....

This post might not get posted...

Because I'm writing it on me mum's computer which has some pretty severe emotional problems.
Ah, bloggers, I miss you! I miss my daily routine of reading all your mad vaguely coherent ramblings, and I miss being able to contribute to reducing the quality of bloggerdom, one post at a time. ALthough I must say, it doesn't suck at all to be able to sit and talk face to face to friends I have been seeing only in blogs for nearly a year.
Mum's in the kitchen right now cooking me some dinner, I have been at work all day at the old university, and its nice to know I will be getting paid for it at some point in the near future.
I have an icky cold and am deathly tired because I haven't stopped since I got home 2 weeks ago, but still, life is good.

In Indonesia everything's gone to shit yet again, and over 5 thousand people are dead, and East Timor is about to go bung, so please all of you pop over to the sidebar and pick either Oxfam or Red Cross and give them some of your hard earned dollars/pounds/euro/whatever so they can try and get some water and food to the poor bastards who have lost their houses and their loved ones.

Ok thats all, I think I hear a glass of merlot calling me....
Sorry, this post isn't very good.

Australians and other fun things

OK so some sneaky people aka Sarah sneakily arranged, in a sneaky manner, to have a couple of Australians come over for my birthday, which was rather sneaky. First Janine turned up on Wednesday, and then late Friday night The Chad arrived while we were drinking at Sammy's, much to my surprise.
What a nice present.

And now I'm at me Dad's house and have just delivered young Janine to the airport and am about to meet young Chad for his first Dux experience and I know I'm all promises at the moment but a proper blog about the deliciousness of my birthday party and our whistle stop tour of the South Island complete with photos is imminent.

I miss Holly and Rebecca, but its ok cos I bought them crappy souvenir presents.

Update: there is life beyond the internets

I know this because I have been living it!!! So exciting.
I am staying at my sister's house, complete with cretaceous era computer and (dear God save us!!) DIAL UP (oh the horror). So I have barely been checking my emails, let alone blogs.
I have loads of cool photos from LA I am gagging to share with you, and rest assured there will be more tomorrow as well, because The Big Party is tonight, at which I wear my smashing new frock, drink lots of cocktails and see all my mates I haven't seen for months.

And now I must go and get my bad self organised....
Blog friends, I miss you all, and as soon as I have myself ensconced somewhere with broadband at the very least, I will be back.

Los Angeles...

I'm in LA, hanging with bloggers, life is good, going home tonight, yay.
At Sunshine's, with Allbright and Brandon and Ciavarro, got drunk last night with Heather and Tony P and such....

Ah...to busy having fun to write more.

Goodnight, New York....

Too tired to think!!! My ride to the airport (three cheers for Holly!!) will be here in 4 & 1/2 hours, so I'm going nighty nights now and I will see some of you in LA, some of you in NZ, and some of you in my dreams.
Cheers Syracuse, its been grand. See you in August.

Watch my taillights fade to black....

Right about now I should by rights be doing the dance of happy joyousness, but I am completely wrecked. I just finished my final final paper for this semester, and life is just a wee bit rosier than before. Its not completely awesome, and I will probably read over it again in the morning before I email it to my prof, but the chances of me writing any more or actually fixing it are slim to none.

So to celebrate I am now going to climb into bed with Fox(y) Mulder. Ah, Netflix. How I will miss you when I am at home for three months. Although, I am likely to be doing actual real life fun things instead of sitting at a computer all day and taking short X-Files sized breaks. Wow, it sounds so foreign....and so much like I am a gigantic loser....

The continuing story of a cat who's gone to the dogs....

Today it is a super scrummywarm day and I have just got my fat arse out of bed and had a cup of tea and now I have to write MY FINAL FINAL PAPER for this semester and then see my friends and then pack my bags and then pack up my room for a possible potential maybe sublet all before 4.45am on Thursday which is when my beloved Holly is driving me to the airport.
Last night I drank Croatian brandy and loads of wine because my Croatian friend's Croatian husband kept refilling my glass about a gajillion times and I can't spell his name properly but am appropriately grateful for the fact that four of us sat at their dining table for many many hours drinking muchos wine and talking until 1.30am.
Then I came home and talked to Tim on Skype and he called me a lush for being boozy on a Monday night and I said "fair 'nuff" or words to that effect.
OK time now to do my hair.

Its blogger birthday shout-out time!!!!!

Today is a good day. Today is the 8th of May (well on the East Coast it is...it will be so on the West Coast in 2 hours and five minutes) and on this day...

- the Mahatma began a fast to protest the British occupation of India (1933)
- Sir David Attenborough was born (1926)
- John Stuart Mill died (1873)
- The Tate Modern Gallery opened (2000)

and my friend Sunshine was born!!!! (an undisclosed number of years ago...)

And look at all the pretty pictures one gets when one does a google image search for Sunshine! I'm not going to post her picture either...haha

So, everybody please run on over to her blog and say Happy Birthday To You.

Sweetie I am SO EXCITED about our LA adventure its not long now, and thank you for hosting me, and I can't wait until this weekend's Blogstock!!!

Doing the happy dance already....

I just wrote this sentence....

"While theories of the global political economy premised on the notion of abstract individualism (such as Adam Smith) subscribe to the notion that economic activity can be apolitical and objective, the historical materialist perspective that recognises the inherent subjectivity and social construction of reality precludes the notion of a universalistic human nature and therefore the existence of an objective realm of activity".

...and it makes me sound way cleverer than I actually am.

Last night.....

We had a party.....lots of people came....loud music was played......there was dancing......booze was drunk....fun was had......a mess was made of my house......and this morning in a rush of blood to the head I decided it would be a really good idea to clean the house......half the furniture is still on the porch.....can't be bollocksed moving it.....have papers to write.....holy fuck what was that all about on Lost am confused/intrigued....have a smashing day....

I can always tell when a whitey's talking out of his ass. It's a gift.

Holy crapola the internet is evil it truly is I kid you not.
Otherwise how do you explain the fact that its now 8pm and I'm still working on my paper and am not that far through it really but I am completely up-to-date on upcoming episodes of CSI NY and the original CSI and actually went to the CBS site and looked at the picture they've been advertising on the telly that supposedly gives a clue to whats going to happen in the final episode and its got this magnifying glass feature and the only thing I could see was that CSI Warrick Brown was looking Fine.

Booya.

Also it was kind of hot today which was all well and good but kind of hot in the rest of the world means Hellaciously Hot in my bedroom and so I've had the fan going for the first time this year and its not really doing that much but now its raining and everything smells scrummy so I want to go and sit on the porch but no can do because I have this fucking paper to do arse shit fuck cunty bollocks.

Ok bye.

Rockin' the Suburbs

Its 10.54am and I have to write a paper today well not so much write a paper but somehow manage to turn about 35 pages of average into 25 pages of brilliant and its a scrummy sunny day and I want to cover my freckles in suncream and go outside and play but thats really not going to happen.
In one week's time I will be on my way to LA to see my friend Miss Sunshine who is very pretty you should all know.
Before that I have to do this paper today and then write my IPE paper which I haven't even started and write a report for my methods class and do some other stuff for that course as well and pack my bags for three months at home and find someone to sublet my room so I don't have to pay all the rent when I won't even be here.
Ok stop blogging then and get on with it.

I feel sunburnt...which is funny, cos I'm really not.

There is really no purpose whatsoever to this post....

I bought a Death Cab For Cutie album...its good. I am probably the last person to jump on the Death Cab For Cutie bandwagon but hey.
I am a crazy person who thinks shit up for no apparent reason than to drive myself even pottier than I already am. This is not news, merely an observation.
I did a presentation tonight, it was awesome. Now I only have 3 final papers to write....PIECE OF PISS MATE!!!!
It is entirely possible that due to last weekend's poor showing, the Mighty Crusaders have played themselves out of a home semi-final, which does indeed suck the big one because I was looking forward to sitting in the box with my beer and sandwiches and cheering them on.....but also means that planning my party just got a lot easier. My Chc party, not my 'Cuse party or the LA party.
PARTY WHORE!!!!
Read this its funny.
I just did the most awesome beer burp it made my nose tickle and was just brilliant.

Ok bollocks to this I'm going to bed.

Don't you hate it when....

You write something in an email and you assume its going to be taken as me taking the piss, and then you get a response that seems as if it could go either way, either taking the piss right back or actually being pissed off at what you said and you don't know which one to choose?
Also, having this happen when you have a brain that decides not to turn off when its bedtime and so you know that you'll lie in bed awake for hours stressing about this tiny insignificant little thing when if you were going to be awake for hours it would at least be for worrying about something really important?

And don't you really hate it when you have to pee and your roommate is in the bathroom?

Holy fucktacular fucksicles Batman!!!!

Right bitches here is the news.
There is a part-A at my house (in the 'Cuse) on Friday and if you are within cooee and I don't hate you then please come to it so I can pretend I have friends.
Otherwise come to the party we're having in LA the Friday after that.
Or come to the party I'm having in Chc the weekend after that.
(The me not hating you clause applies to all three)

So many parties.
So little......wait.....there must be SOMETHING I have too little of....*time passes while Claire munches on Triscuits and tries to figure it out*....

SO FEW PARTY FROCKS!!!

Drinking + emailing? Cue hilarity.

Last night me and my trusty sidekicks R-bizzle and H-lizzle went to the pub to talk about shopping and boys and pedagogy and I drank a few Coronas and then a couple of scotches and was feeling all scrummy and this boy came up to us and tapped me on the shoulder and I thought he was tapping me on the shoulder to get me to move cos I was in his way but no it turned out he wanted to ask us to go and see his band play next weekend somewhere out of town I said Sorry dude, no can do bro, I ain't got me no car except I would rather eat glass than use double negatives, so I said it properly. He took it well, all things considered.

Then I came home and decided it would be a REALLY GOOD IDEA to turn my computer on instead of going straight to bed and then I had another brainfart and decided WHAT WOULD BE EVEN BETTER would be to not only COMPOSE but to actually SEND an email to my mystery secret boyfriend. Man, was that daft or what?

I checked out my sent messages box when I came to this morning and it could have been worse all things considered but there is a mighty good chance he is currently sitting at his computer and scratching his head going "What the Fuck?" (capitals to stress gravity of the situation).
Ah, but we shall see, and no doubt I will document every minute detail of my tortured existence on the internerds.

Update: One shopping expedition, one Ruby Tuesday's bacon jack burger, three slides for next week's presentation, one episode of The West Wing and several hours later.....email inbox remains suspiciously empty.
Oooooh bollocks.

Update on the update: I am majorly paranoid, as all is well.
Aha, perhaps time to divert some of this energy into more productive channels?...

In other news...WHAT THE FUCK!!!!
Stormers? Well bollocks to you, Western Provinces!!! We're still second on the table!!! Suck on that, De Wet Barry and your odd-shaped head!!! Besides, we have cool theme music, shiny red and black uniforms, and HORSIES!!!
Hang in there Crusaders, in 3 weeks I will be cheering for you from the comfort of my warm seat in the snazzy corporate box where they bring me beer and sandwiches!!!
Yep, that's the life we lives in the C-town. Only 14 sleeps.....

The power of Christ compels me!!

I was at a party tonight and there was a guy there who is an actual real minister in an actual real church and he had a few beers and was asking if anyone needed blessing so I said yes my arse does so he blessed my arse its now holy and you all must worship it. That is all the end.

Edit: Updates on Blogstock LA are here
Bring the noise!!!!

Blogstock LA May 12th

Top man totty, albeit a little toasted.

Bring it on.....

One of those posts in which I tell Americans what to do....

Americans really need to shut the hell up when it comes to the current round of complaints about the cost of petrol.
Here's news. The rest of the world pays A FUCK OF A LOT MORE than you do.
Here's more news. Petrol should be expensive.
It should be taxed to discourage people from excessive consumption and to encourage alternative sources of energy.
The current consumption of fossil fuels is killing the planet.

In NZ a litre of petrol costs $1.70.
OK I know my maths sucks, but I estimate that if Americans paid the same as us, it would cost over $5 a gallon. I also realise that it costs a lot more to get petrol to NZ cos we're miles from anywhere, but still.

BE REASONABLE PEOPLE!!!!
You pay bollocks all for petrol, you have done so for decades, its time to join the rest of the world.

*climbs down off soapbox*

Because rules are for losers and squares....

My self-imposed rule about not drinking booze during the week may well be thrown out the window within the next few hours....too much stress....head exploding....

Whine whinge grizzle moan and grump etc etc ad nauseum.
Ok that will be all for now.

No it won't. I just called my best friend at work at the video shop and asked if they had a copy of Showgirls cos its my standard joke and she was really busy and couldn't talk cos its a rainy ANZAC day at home so I said I would talk to her really soon, but it reminded me of another time I called her and did the same thing and she didn't recognise my voice and went "ummm, yeah...do you want vhs or dvd?..." and I went "Haha it's me you got suckered!"
It was pretty funny.

When I wanna see right through you, Flyin', highin', Freddy voodoo lucid dreaming, magic wonder can you see this, spell I'm under? make you wander with that rhythm feel it moving, through your system step on, steppers, step up to it all you got to do is do it

Today when I read blogs I didn't start at the top of my list and work my way down instead I began at the bottom and worked up it was a fresh perspective on the world.
Although, people need to make more of an effort to update cos we must have something to keep us amused on the weekends.

So instead of working for the past hour I have been looking up cocktail recipes on the Webtender its awesome because you can cross reference ingredients so you don't end up buying a whole bottle of stuff for one or two drinks you can design your cocktail list as to maximise efficient allocation of ingredients HOLY SHIT I NEED TO STOP TURNING INTO AN ECONOMIST.
So I've decided on cocktails only now I need to make sure that me Dad is still ok with having my peeps invade his house for cocktails and of course I called him AND HES NOT HOME bugger.

Instead I am going to send another email to my mystery secret boyfriend ooooh I love how life is JUST SO GOSH DARNED INTERESTING!!!

ARRRGGGHHHH FUCK SHIT ARSE CUNTY TWAT BOLLOCKS CRAPOLA!!!!!

Or, In Which Claire Comes to Terms With The Horrific Amount of Work That Must Be Done Within The Next Seventeen Days, And By Way Of Coping, Eats Mexican Food, Drinks Wine and Watches Bollywood Movies. And Goes a Bit Mental.

Record breaking longest post title ever in the history of the world.
I made it rain. I told my friends to abandon their work and come over tonight and drink beer on the porch because it was super warm yesterday and then woke up today to lots of lovely rain. Oops.
I am impressed with my weather making power. Perhaps I should leave school and instead go to drought ridden places and plan BBQs and wash my car, which are also ways to make it rain.

The Sugarcubes are way cooler than Bjork alone has ever been.

OK so I have a presentation Tuesday week and a paper to hand in Friday after that on the same thing and currently the paper is 28 pages long and complete shite and it needs to be 20-25 pages and FUCKING AWESOME because I got shite marks for the earlier papers that this final paper is currently a cut and pasted version of and is in dire need of a large dose of BRILLIANCE and a lot more research so I get an A for it.
I also have another paper to write that should be fairly easy, and another paper that will be Most Challenging but also Muchos Interesting and that has to be BRILLIANT as well because the prof for that course is the prof who is cool and who I want to be my advisor so I must impress him with my fantastic-ness.
So, no pressure.

But now its burrito and wine o'clock cos its Saturday night and I am the Queen of Party-town.

This post brought to you by the sweet sounds of XM Ethel.

In which Spring has Sprung and the Grass is Riz

Today my camera and I went for a walk to university because I needed to buy a keyboard because typing for extended periods of time on a laptop is injurious to your health. So anyway I got all showered etc and it was so SUNNY and WARM that I put sunscreen on because I am the whitest person in the world except maybe for the beautiful Hesty either way I'm pretty damn white and freckles abound.
So all sunscreened up I walked in the lovely sunshine to university and saw lots of happy spring time flowers on the way and perhaps I need to hang out with Nic's mum for a while to get the hang of it but I couldn't resist documenting all the spring time prettiness.
And now I am typing on my styling new keyboard and its
after 4pm and I'm yet to do any real work for the day I think perhaps tonight will be one of those uber geeky Friday nights in which I hang out at home with my books.

Blogger is being a bit of a dick with the old photos today or perhaps its just that I am a bit of a retard.

My cousin is getting married today. This is good, but a little scary because one of the earliest memories I have is of going to the hospital to see him when he was born so as far as I'm concerned hes a wee baby aside from the fact that now he is all growed up and owns a house and within a matter hours will be a married man oh boy.

Tell me where I'm supposed to begin, move out of sight and onto some life I'm dreaming of, for everything you thought you had has gone from worse to bad

Ummm....so.....
Yeah.
Ok.
Cool.
I totally stole this top pic off this lass. I think she stole it off someone else.

Last night I ate a small Crunchie bar and then half a big Crunchie bar and then the other half of the big Crunchie bar and I felt kind of ill. And while I was eating I was watching House which was silly because during class I got all inspired to work on my presentation which is in two weeks from yesterday and then I got distracted from work and enthusiasm by the internets and the telly when I would have been better to do lots of work and channel my energy into a pretty and informative slide show using lots of big words instead I wasted brain cells and ate chocolately hokey-pokey goodness.

Blogstock LA, or Not Blogstock as it is to be called within hearing range of Pitt, is coming along nicely and it thanks you for asking. I bought my tickets the other day so I have two days in LA which sounds like it should be the title of a movie I don't know if it is anyway I've got a little over 48 hours in which to find Viggo, get him to fall hopelessly and irredeemably in love with me, meet up with some bloggers, get drunk, do some touristy things, but some crappy souvenirs for the kids ok and some crappy souvenirs for me too, and get my arse to the airport in time to catch my flight HOME!!!!!
I am going to be the most annoying person alive on that flight I will be bouncing up and down in my seat and asking in the manner of Bart and Lisa Simpson or similar "arewethereyet arewethereyet arewethereyet arewethereyet arewethereyet" for 14 hours and then I'll pace up and down the airport in Auckland (where the Orcs come from) for two and a half hours and then as soon as the plane lands I'll be tearing open the doors and jumping out and pushing little old ladies out of my way and leaping over baggage trolleys in a mad rush to see my peeps cos nine and a half months is too long I won't be doing that again.

I've just watched three hours of telly although there was no Lost tonight which kind of complicates my weekly Wednesday night taunting of Ben going "OMG you will not believe what happened on Lost tonight...X shagged X and it turns out that before they got on the plane X and X did X with X's brother and it turns out that X is one of the Others and X knows but won't say because of X" except instead of writing X I'll write *%##*() and then Ben counts the number of characters I type thinking that will be some clue as to the name of the person I'm on about blissfully aware of the fact I'm completely making shit up. Although I think he's on to me now.

But Alias is back and I didn't really need to waste 2 hours watching it but Sydney had a baby yippee for her and her dad is cool and her mums a beeyatch. Sydney's mum, not the baby's mum.
And CSI NY was good, that Danny's a bit fit.

And now its five minutes before midnight and I am PRO CRASS TIN AYE TING and this blog is really going nowhere except on the fast train to stream-of-consciousness-ville so goodnight and good luck be good to each other.

News just to hand.....

I will not fall for the lines this time, I will remain strong and resolute and virtuous (shut up Tim) and not get suckered in by empty promises and flattery and proclamations of my alleged beauty but will instead be the metaphorical ice princess not playing hard to get but being hard to get because I have more important things to worry about like saving the world and turning thirty.

Ok?

Ok.

I have the most awesome friends on the planet

Honestly, sometimes I really think I don't deserve half the things I get. Then I realise that I must have done something REALLY FUCKING GOOD in a previous life to merit all the goodness I have recieved in this one.
Like, maybe I was a nun who spent fifty years living in a shack in some desperately poor place and spent my time de-worming orphans and teaching illiterate farm workers to read.
Or something.
Suggestions in the box.
ANYWAY!!!
Today I recieved a rather unexpected surprise in the post, a most chocolatey care package from my dear friend at home, which makes, I think, unexpected gift of love # 6 since I have been here. Which is only since August.
And I didn't even do anything to merit a gift like this!!!
Theres some quote about real riches being the number of people on earth who love you, and by that standard I am filthy stinky rich because there are all these lovely people who send me presents like this COMPLETELY UNEXPECTEDLY and most deliciously (ok the Gryffindor scarf wasn't delicious in a chocolately goodness kind of way, but it is still the coolest scarf anyone has made for me, and the cds are not proving to be completely digestable....but you get my point).
So a big YAY to Faine for sending me this lovely present and I am grateful for the good people out there who love me.

There is, of course, a post script to this story.

Foolishly, I left the box of chocolate unattended while I went to a chiropractor's appointment.

I arrived home to this.

Yep, Raji overcame his lack of opposable thumbs to get stuck into my stash, and managed to eat himself into a sugar coma.

Fucking tiger.

Genuine white Bengali tigerskin coat, anyone?

I was all keen to blog and have a rant about this and that and the other thing but then I read this and it made me sick and I still feel sick and it made my cry and it broke my heart and I wanted to blog about it but I'm wondering if I should or not because I don't want to give the demon that did that any more fame or kudos or imply that he is in some way worthy of any attention unless that attention is pure unadulterated hatred abhorrence disgust sorrow but I also think that people need to know and they should get up in arms about this because a world that isn't completely shattered by this that isn't broken at the very core that isn't torn up screaming and wracked with grief sobbing inconsolably uncontrollably ferociously furiously tearing its hair prone on the floor unable to stand speak breathe move with the sheer weight of anguish is not a world that I want to live in.

So I say stand up and speak out about the wrongness the hideousness the perversity the pure unmitigated evil of this act against an innocent child someone's precious angel someone's hope for the future someone's baby.
Stand on the street corner and demand vengeance, argue with your neighbours about what would make a person do such a thing, have stand up screaming matches about the virtues and flaws of the death penalty, try and understand if you can what would drive a man to such an act, read the news until it makes you sick to your stomach but DO NOT accept this as an unfortunate evil of the world we live in because wrong is not a big enough word for what that child went through what that monster put her through it's in times like this that I really hope that religion is right about heaven so that wee girl is in the care of those who love her and that those here who miss her can take comfort in that fact and know they will see her again and Oh God I can't stop crying she looks like Sami.

Update: It appears the powers that be have shut down Tony's site, or that somehow it is broken. I hope it will be back soon, but if you really want to know what I was so upset about click here. It hit me pretty hard as you can probably see.

Update on the update: Tony's site is back up.

At least I taught her full Indian dinner, the rest is up to God.

Aiiiiiiii.....we got thunder, we got lightening, and wait....here we go.....yep. We got rain.
Brilliant.
Its another action packed Friday night here at Claire's House of Fun. I did washing, I did groceries, I ate pasta (mmmm.), I drank some wine, I watched a film.
Its hard work keeping up with me, even I have a hell of a time with it.

Ummmm, what does we have to say.

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah are what Bailter Space would have sounded like about 15 years ago if Chris Knox had been their singer.
It's clean sheet day and that makes me so much happier than it really should.
I need a new bookshelf already, and I've only been here since August.
Yesterday I got a wooden splinter stuck in my finger just underneath the nail in the really tender bit and I said a bad word then pulled it out with the tweezers and then it really began to hurt.
Because I think weighing oneself is a bit daft when one is exercising to get all fit and toned because of the whole muscle weight thingy also the scales at mine are a bit shady, I have been measuring myself and I've lost an inch on my tummy and an inch on my thighs. Not exactly dramatic but a sign that my efforts are working.

OK time to turn out the lights and lie in bed and listen to the funky weather. Booya.
30 sleeps to go....

Stroke of luck or gift from God...hand of fate or devil's claws....

There's a bunch of people online according to my little google talk box thingy and I really want to chat to them all cos I heart all my friends but someone has replaced my eyelids with those big weights that have 1 ton stamped on them that Wile E. Coyote is always trying to drop on Bugs but misses cos hes a pretty crap catcher-of-roadrunners and I can't keep my eyes open much longer just long enough to brush floss and listerine and tuck my bad self into my big empty lonely bed and dream sweet dreams of my imminent arrival home and all the kisses I am going to get from my nieces the two most precious angels ever to walk this earth aside from their brother who is too big and too cool to give his crazy aunty kisses, but not too cool to come and give her a cuddle when we're watching a scary movie or when he's really sleepy that's when he's at his cutest not long my angels before I can spoil you rotten with presents and love happiness is a family you both love and like.

Look on the sidebar there, and click where it says "Paypal" and you too can donate to the "Claire is a poor student who has no problem accepting charity" fund.

Current time: 2.19am.
Currently drinking: Ithaca Beer Company Apricot Wheat.
Currently listening to: a few bars of one song before I get bored and flick to the next one.
Currently doing: a half-arsed job of writing a bunch of stuff as background information for this simulation we're writing in my methods class.
Currently thinking of: my bed, my sparkly shoes, my sister and how much I miss her and how its ok cos I will see her really soon, my best friend who graduated the other day cos she's so clever, the fact I am out of Triscuits.
Currently wishing: that there was a smashingly hot bloke waiting in my bed for me.
Currently wearing: my red trackpants, my too-hot-to-handle moo boot slippers, a brown zip-up jacket that says London on the front.
Currently singing: Blur's "Tender".
Currently lamenting: my complete and utter lack of non-crapness when it comes to singing.
Currently eating: nothing, cos I've run out of Triscuits.
Currently excited about: going to LA and hanging with the beautiful Sunshine, and of course, going home.

This just in: I rule.

Check it out.
If Grace said it is so, then it must be.
ok that will be all for now.

Five minutes with Claire....

I wrote my paper and handed it in three minutes late and my prof didn't seem too upset bless his wee socks, then I went to visit my other prof and said Hey can I borrow your book to read for this week's class please cos I can't afford to buy it cos I went to Toronto and spent all my money on concert tickets and posh hotels and cocktails he said no worries but please can I have it back on Wednesday because I have to re-read it myself cos even though I wrote it i probably need a wee refresher course before class on Thursday I said cool not a problem then I remembered a paper I have to write by Wednesday morning that I forgot about so not only do I have to prepare a bunch of background material for this simulation we're writing and write a page or so on the purposes and motivations of the simulation design and do about 200 pages of reading for tomorrow night and have questions on them by 1pm tomorrow and read this book of 181 pages by Wednesday but I also have to write a report on this focus group we did ages ago and have it handed in Wednesday morning in class so what am I doing on the internet you ask well just the usual fannying about reading stuff and finding out whats on telly and cursing nbc for having another er repeat this week but also blessing nbc cos the West Wing is really good now and so so so sad it made me cry on Sunday night and for feck's sake Josh would you please marry Donna and I'm also chatting online but now I'm off because I have a lot of reading perhaps this week's reading will be limited to introductions and conclusions and I also have a forgotten paper to write.
Five weeks thirty five sleeps to go booya.

A Monday morning quickie....

I have slept for a grand total of one..two..three..THREE AND A HALF HOURS and now I am scrambling to finish a paper thats due at midday, because instead of staying home all weekend like a good student I went to Toronto (sigh) which is a city we loves because it has nightlife and concerts like Clap Your Hands Say Yeah and the special ultra-cool surprise of The Brunettes as a support act who are just too cute for words and the crowd loved them especially when they played "Holding hands feeding ducks" and they are playing with Clap Your Hands again throughout their tour and are headlining their own show in New York City at the Mercury Lounge on April 18th and anyone who's within range of the New York metropolitan area must go because The Brunettes rule. You have been told.

Also, Interpol and Depeche Mode got together and made sweet sweet love and a bastard child was begotten and its name is She Wants Revenge and I bought their record and it is Good.
I see that other bloggers were having fun not in Toronto and I hate to miss out on stuff especially meeting Gwen and Outlaw cos girls are cooler than boys but I'm glad to see that the people who piss me off also feature on the "people who piss me off" list of those I like and respect. See?

So I missed out on every blogger in Toronto including the ones who were actually in town (sorry Heather!!) but I had fun with my friend and we had dinner with Grimshaw which was lovely and we popped his Thai food cherry which was exciting and now I have to go and finish my civil-military relations paper because its nearly 9am which means its nearly 3 hours until paper has to be finished oh fuck.

Fucking ER is a fucking repeat tonight NBC you fuckers

I am so fucking tired that the words are swimming on the page. I am trying to write a paper thats due on Monday because I don't really think I'll get a bunch of work done this weekend what with being in Toronto and all, and I also have a bunch of stuff thats due on Wednesday plus the usual gajillion pages of reading for the week that takes about two days to get through, but I am slowly coming to the conclusion that its probably a really good idea to sleep when one can instead of staying up working and then having a big insomnia attack at 2am which really sucks when one has to get up for class at 8am man this is a really long sentence stop for a breath phew.

I am trying to get Toronto bloggers to come and have breakfast with me and my friend on Sunday Jeremy said it was gay but hes just jealous because he wasn't invited cos hes not a blogger and besides you shouldn't use gay like its a perjorative term cos I said so cos some people I love an awful lot are gay and it implies theres something wrong with them but besides from being my friend theres nothing at all wrong with them.

Anyway Toronto bloggers come to Aunties and Uncles on Sunday late morning I'll be there with my trusty sidekick well one of them anyway cos theres a whole bunch of other sidekicks who aren't coming on this trip but we are cool and we'll be there and probably Heather as well she's pretty cool you know.
Also if you're not going to see Matthew Good in Waterloo then come to see Clap Your Hands Say Yeah at the Opera House. OK its sold out, but come anyway.

Plans are currently being made for my birthday, people in my beloved hometown, and those precious souls who are making the trip to be there for my birthday party which I'm going to share with them cos its all our birthdays.
It is Super 14 semi-finals weekend May 19th/20th on the day the home semi is not on, because I will be at the home semi sitting in my seat in the corporate box like the spoilt little princess I am. Kind of hard to say the date at this point in time, wait a couple of weeks and then we'll know. My money is on a Crusaders/Waratahs home semi on the Friday, party on Saturday.

It looks like we're having cocktails at me Dad's house then dinner at some new Italian place in Merivale where Volare used to be cos Dad went there and said it was uber hip and happening and the kind of place where my friends can happily coexist beside my aunties and my sister's kidlets and where me and me Mum can get merrily drunken and they won't kick us out anyway Dad's on to it, all I need now it to get a barperson to make us cocktails.

What cocktails do my Chc peeps like?
Note: there will be, without a doubt, apple martinis.
Tim has to shower and Dave has to shave and Ben has to wear matching shoes I know its pretty harsh but thats the way I roll its my party and I'll cry if I want to or boss my friends into looking nice so my Dad doesn't roll his eyes and my sister's kids don't give me hell about having weird friends hell they should be used to it by now they have me for an auntie wear what the feck you want.
Invites will be of the electronic variety, and will arrive all pretty-like...um...in a few weeks.
Plan ahead much?

Say what?

So, I'm going to Toronto, thinking it might be nice to catch up with a couple of bloggers after our Clap Your Hands Say Yeah gig, only to find most of them are leaving town FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY!!!
Well bollocks to that, at least the beauteous Heather will be there and we are going to have delicious drinks and fun times so hahaha.

Last night on House the guest star was the completely cute Dawn.

Speaking of television....time for Sawyer!!!

This post brought to you by the letters ADHD.
Take care now bye bye

I hope Toronto is ready.....

BECAUSE ON SATURDAY IT WILL BE HIT BY THE GIGANTIC STORM KNOWN AS CLAIRE AND HER TRUSTY SIDEKICK R-BIZZLE!!!

Yep, got me some Clap Your Hands Say Yeah tickets, got my dancing shoes, got me a road trip!!!
Ooh, I wonder where the after party is?

GOSH I AM SO EXCITED RIGHT NOW I NEED TO PEE!!!

Help me I'm foreign

Editeditedit!!!!!!
The following also applies to tickets to She Wants Revenge the same night. I'll take either!!
Ah fuck, maybe we'll just turn up and stand outside with the scalper scum.
Please someone find me tickets!!!!

Ok as some will have no doubt already discovered by the contents of their inboxes or blog comments, but I am on the hunt for two tickets to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah next weekend in Toronto. The concert is apparently sold out, but this whole sold out thing never prevented me from seeing Fat Freddy's or Salmonella Dub or that Shihad gig or a bunch of other stuff and I refuse to accept defeat.

You see, me and my friend have been talking for weeks about taking a roadtrip to NYC to see a concert because the nightlife here blows goats, but all the good gigs in NYC between now and When I Go Home Via LA are either on a night one of us has class (good on ya, Franz Ferdinand), or sold out (yeah, cheers She Wants Revenge) or way out of the price range of two poor graduate students (thank you very much Gorillaz!!!), and so instead of looking south I turned my gaze north to the mighty land of Canadia, and found the perfect gig on a great night and not too expensive..... until I discovered it had sold out.

ARSE!!!

Hey, surely someone who knows someone who knows someone who lives in Toronto and who knows a guy who knows a guy will hear my sad plea and find a couple of stray tickets to sell at a not-completely-outrageous price to us.

PLEASE HELP US!!!!

.....must get out of this town...if only for a night....

What's hot and what's not

I was in the post office today posting things to bloggers and there was this really hot guy there and I was checking him out, running through the list in my head.
Cute? check.
Tall? check.
Well dressed? check.
Smells nice? as far as I could tell.
Decent hair cut? check.
Kind face? check.
Straight? am 98% sure.
And he was checking me out and gave me a wee half smile even though I looked a bit like arse with my bad-hair-hat-day thing going on, and I smiled back, and we made a wee connection, and then he looked away and did this big disgusting snotty hoicky sniff and all of his hotness went completely out the window and I sent some foul thoughts his way and some other thoughts involving nose blowing and not clearing one's sinuses in a public place and then thought that was such a shame cos he would have been really cute if he had some manners.
That was my story for the day the end bye.

Oh look, it's rant o'clock again;
Or, for the sake of your mental health, don't read this post because its just me being mental

I am angry and hateful.
This time, however, my vitriol is directed at one person in particular.
Me.
Why? Because I am unceasingly idiotic when it comes to one particular thing. Ok, two particular things, but we're not talking about boys today.
Today, we are angry about the money, and its ability to render me completely at it's mercy.
Yes, I am in graduate school, and therefore am expected to be as poor as a church mouse, but this is just dumb. I just get so angry at myself for continuing to behave in the same fashion over and over again, when experience has proven that attempting to live outside one's means is a Really Freaking Bad Idea (tm).
Shit, its not like I'm thousands of dollars in debt, and sitting here being forced to process my thoughts in order to get them onto the page is demonstrating that this is probably a case of storm, meet teacup, now get in there, but I get so angry with myself with continuing to repeat the same things over and over again, and the thing is I manage to completely rationalise it to myself at the time. I think no, its ok to spend $45 at the supermarket on stuff I really don't need when I only have $100 to live on for two weeks, and then I end up using the money I was supposed to send home to live on instead of sending it home and now my bank account at home is overdrawn by a couple of hundred dollars and I'm waiting for my tax return and the money from the university for my travel grant and my next pay which is a whole 12 days away cos I only got paid on Friday and most of all I hate that I have let myself down again and the real stinger is that the whole thing is going to end up costing me money because I spent the money instead of sending it home.

So what really pisses me off is my ability to talk myself into stuff, which is great because I have crazy fun adventures and do things like bungy jumping but it also sucks arse cos I can completely rationalise spending my severely limited funds on immediate things instead of sending it home to take care of my accidental overdraft.

I often make jokes about being a crazy mental person, but here is some proof for you.
Repeating the same actions over again and expecting different results.
They should just lock me up now.

Friday 4pm, still in my jammies

There are these motherfuckers playing some shit music very near my house and its really bad, they keep stopping and starting and playing the same bass line over and over badly, and the drummer really sucks and I was going to go and tell them they sucked but then I thought that would reveal to the world I am still in my jammies in the afternoon. So I had a sleep instead, albeit a sleep punctuated by rude screaming children outside and bad music.

Last night I drank a bottle of wine, cos I am a lush. I didn't mean to, I went for dinner at a prof's house and came home with a right cunt of a headache, so I had a glass of wine in violation of my No Drinking During The Week Rule cos I'm BAD and it made my headache mostly go away then I had another and then another and next thing you know I'm a little pizzled and a bottle of wine has mysteriously evaporated. My flatmate had one glass, if that makes it somehow less boozy of me.

It is very hot today and I need to have a shower and wash the dishes and buy some credit for my cellphone which has the suck knob cranked to eleven and get to school for this Cultural Fair thingy I got asked to MC and said No but I want to go see it anyway, cos we foreigners in Amurika have to stick together and its 4.16 and the fair starts at 5 and I need to come to terms with the fact I'm going to be late.

OK bye.

44 sleeps to go!!!!!

Today's photographic theme: cute stuff.

Haha Sarah is going to kill me when she sees this. "What the fuck are you doing putting my picture on your blog!!"
BUT LOOK HOW CUTE SHE IS!!!!

I've just finished doing my taxes. Well, I've done my federal taxes, and they're going to give me some money back, which is good, because I can hardly think of another government I would want to give money to less than this one. Fuckers.

Anyhoo, I started doing my state taxes as well, but it was too hard, so I opted for the "Give us $14.95 and we'll do them for you" option. Sweet.

Usually at tax time its either a case of "Hey Dad can I borrow your accountant" or "Waaaaahhhhh tax is hard!!!" and I just don't do it. Bad Claire.

Ok taxes are a really boring topic for a post.

Ummm.......

I have lots of work to do in April.

If we can get Ciavarro to LA in May, Brandon has said he will be there.

Also, someone need to magic some money out of thin air so we can get Grimshaw there, cos he needs a holiday.

This post brought to you by an Internal Revenue Service induced brain malfunction, and the letter B.

Tuesday, 5.02pm.....

Bored, bored, bored.

I'm at school and I have class in an hour and a half and I probably should be finishing the readings, BUT I DON'T WANT TO.

Its a lovely sunny day. I want to go outside and play cricket. However, because the grass has all been covered in snow for four months its kind of mushy, also everyone else is working, as all good graduate students should be.

Dum de dum....

Here is a fish.
fish fish fish fish fish fish fish

Sometimes I think I should really put some effort into blogging. Then I say "Nah, fuckit".
Am still waiting for my flash shiny new template.

OK time for a cup of tea.

Bye.

For a limited time only!!!!

Here is proof that I am not making it all up when I go on about school, cos I have an online profile at the school site.

See? Right here.

And because I am a complete retard, I managed to post my profile twice.

If anyone wants to buy me a record by She Wants Revenge I wouldn't mind at all. In fact, I'd probably be very grateful and maybe invite you over for a cup of tea. I might even go so far as to bake muffins.

OK I got nothing.

Someone please make me a new and exciting template for my blog, preferably featuring images of my favourite things. My favourite things include puppies, chocolate, martinis....and.....um....
am trying really hard to think of things I like.
Time for bed. I like bed. But I love lamp.

I had a random blog idea the other idea, a Ben-off. I will post pictures pictures of all the Bens I have known and take votes. What do you say?

"He's a God-sent original, the man of my dreams..."

Or, "Ah, Viggo, the reasons why you're still number one on my baby daddy list, despite the existence of CSI Warrick Brown"

1) Like myself, he prefers being barefoot.
2) He thinks George W is a knobrash, and went on Charlie Rose and said so, most articulately.
3) He loves the UN and all it stands for.
4) He thinks NZ is the business.
5) He is often pictured wearing either a lovely pounamu or a bone fishhook demonstrating a healthy respect for Aotearoa art.
6) He takes kick-arse photos.
7) He strikes me as the kind of man who could spend the day outside building stuff in a very manly way, then come inside, bake a souffle and write a poem. Renaissance through and through.
8) He was nice to my cousin when she saw him (albeit not to talk to, but was still nice....) in Wellington cos she was playing in the orchestra at the ROTK premiere, and despite the fact that she never gave him my number as she was instructed to, she's pretty cool.
9) At said premiere, when being interviewed by TV3 he didn't go all serious and up-your-bum as many famous folk can be, but instead tickled the reporter and the camera man.
10) He has nice blue eyes.
11) FUCKING ARAGON!!! BOOYA.

OK so I suck at writing lists.

I have just watched A History Of Violence and it is good.
I had every intention of seeing it, but I was inspired to bump it up my netflix list by Tim and Ben, who informed me both of its awesomeness as a cinematic experience, but also of the appearance of Viggo's bottom.
Nice bottom too, not bad for a 47 year old man.

And so we say Yay Viggo, I am prepared to overlook the fact you are 17 years older than me and that you have a bum chin, and I believe with your help I can overcome my relationship/commitment phobia, and together we can move to NZ and make lovely blue-eyed babies and cross our fingers they inherit your nose and my chin.












And oh how I wish I had taken this photo....

*BIG FUCKING SIGH!!!*






Edit: Check out Grace's new banner....who's that sexy bitch?!?!

Nobody else as strong as I am, yesterday I moved a mountain, I'd like to be your hero, I am a mighty little man....

This just in: devices that allow one to chat online to friends are dangerous and should be permanently banned.

It is currently 1.58 am, I have just eaten half a box of animal crackers, which, I discovered to my chagrin, do not have icing on them like they do at home, and have written three and a bit pages of a five-or-six page paper that is due at 4pm tomorrow. I am giving up for now and going to bed because I cannot think a thought all the way through it gets all messed up on the way to being thought and I won't get an A for my paper that way, and I have to get an A because I got crap marks for the first two and even though they're only 10% each a crap mark is a crap mark.

I am being very strong at the moment though, yesterday I recorded Lost and CSI NY and today I recorded er and will watch them this weekend when I have finished doing my work in between lunch with a new student tomorrow and drinks tomorrow night with my friend and breakfast with more new students on Saturday and seeing Mr Billy Joel on Saturday night and then going to a party after that and watching the West Wing on Sunday night cos its getting really good in its last few episodes Josh and Donna even had a big snog the other day.

Also, the list of things I hate has been reduced to its normal size, and now only includes stupid people, ugly people, mean people, crap music, noisy eaters, people who sniff, racists, the wind, flat beer, misogynists, the French, cigarette smoke, my standard 2 primary school teacher, the entire Bush administration and their friends and employees, ingrown toenails, anti-abortion activists, insomnia, Jerry Springer, bats, filing tax returns, insincerity, hypocrisy, advertising, seafood, complacency, Brian Tamaki, ignorance, muffin-top jeans, people who try to impress me with how much money they have, large hoop earrings, reactionary politics and ugly shoes.

So, everything's back to normal then.

Having composed that list, however, I realise that many of those things I name are in fact sub-categories or examples of other items on the list.
Deal with it.

Ah, happiness abounds.

Rent a flat above a shop, cut your hair and get a job, smoke some fags and play some pool, pretend you never went to school....

Haha I fucking knew it!!!!

Me, right again.

I've added a few things to the list of "stuff that I don't hate"
- hot water bottles
- spaghetti bolognaise
- internet radio
- portishead
- grimshaw
- my stripey socks
- my friend ben
- milo
- my beautiful wonderful nephew
- the NZ cricket team
- the incredible healing power of nutella
- my house
-the fact that I am going home in FIFTY FIVE DAYS MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!

But that's all.

Except for all these other things that I'm not going to list cos its past my bedtime and me dad told me to go to bed an hour and a half ago so goodnight.

Guess what its the next day and surprise surprise I STILL HATE EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE except my mum and Scary Duck and Raji the mega tiger EVERYTHING ELSE IS EVIL AND HORRID AND MUST DIE except for things I say can stay which I can't be arsed listing here cos I'M TOO BUSY HATING EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE so there.

What's the time? Look, its rant o'clock!!

My American friends, do not read this post.

You know what I really hate? I really hate the assumption that New Zealand and Australia are the same thing. The distance between the two countries is the distance between New York and freaking CUBA!!! Someone asked me today if the hurricane that hit the northeast coast of Australia affected New Zealand at all, and it was all I could do not to stand up and scream in her face SURE BECAUSE WHEN HURRICANE KATRINA WAS POUNDING NEW ORLEANS I WAS ASKING PEOPLE IN TORONTO IF THEY WERE OK instead I said "I don't really know anybody on the north east coast of Australia" and she looked confused until I pointed out that the distance between the two countries is OVER TWO AND A HALF THOUSAND KILOMETRES THATS A LONG FUCKING WAY!!!
Its the distance between India and Iran, between London and Warsaw, between Paris and Morocco GET A FUCKING MAP AND LEARN SOME COUNTRIES ASIDE FROM YOUR OWN.

What else pisses me off? Hmm, lets see.

All those people who tell me to have a nice day. FUCK OFF ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS AT ALL IF I HAVE A NICE DAY OR A COMPLETE SHITE DAY JUST FUCK OFF YOU INSINCERE TWAT!!!

And the television. WOULD IT HURT YOU TO PLAY SOME TELEVISION THAT'S NOT AMERICAN!! Have you never heard of those other English speaking countries that make television?

Speaking of television. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP PLAYING REPEATS!!! About half the time the few decent programmes that are on are repeats with no explanation whatsoever AND THEY'RE THE SAME FUCKING EPISODES!!!! fuckers.
House has been off for three weeks; for what reason you may ask? SO THE MONKEYS CAN WATCH AMERICAN IDOL COS GOD FORBID THEY WOULD WORRY ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT LIKE THE FACT THEIR COUNTRY'S ECONOMY IS GOING TO COLLAPSE SOON BECAUSE DEFICIT SPENDING IS OUT OF CONTROL!!!!

And the ads. Holy Mary mother of God give me strength. There's ads between programmes. There's ads after the credits. Then there's five minutes of programme (which I've usually seen before) and more fucking ads!!!
And all the fucking ads are for chain restaurants or drugs. Sometimes the drugs ones are really tricky, and they manage to INVENT A DISEASE SO THEY CAN SELL YOU A DRUG FOR IT!!! THE REASON NOBODY'S HEARD OF RESTLESS LEG SYNDROME IS BECAUSE YOU MADE IT UPSO YOU COULD CON THE STUPID PEOPLE INTO BUYING YOUR DUMB DRUG YOU PROBABLY TESTED ON PUPPIES!!!!!

And stop putting antibiotics in everything!! You wonder why superbugs are breeding that are immune to antibiotics? Stop with the antibiotic air filters and soap and dishwashing liquid and all the other stuff YOU NEED BACTERIA ON YOUR SKIN AND IN YOUR BODY OTHERWISE YOU'LL DIE!! Of course if they kill their immune systems then the pharmaceutical companies will make a mint, so just play along little marching ants.

Additionally, LEARN TO SPELL THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE!!! There is a difference between insure and ensure and in all the readings I've done since I've been here only ONE PERSON has got it right.

VOTERS OF AMERICA STOP ELECTING RICH WHITE STRAIGHT MEN TO BE YOUR LEADERS!!!! Guess what? A person is not defined solely by their skin colour, their sexual orientation, their religion, their ethnicity or the contents of their knickers, any more than I am defined by the colour of my dad's car, which is silver, btw.

And overweight middle-aged women? Stop wearing white trainers with your ugly jeans tucked into ugly white shirts. Also, VISIT A HAIRDRESSER COS GUESS WHAT ITS NOT 1987 ANYMORE!!!!

Kids with their pants hanging down below their knees? YOU THINK YOU LOOK SO COOL AND GANGSTA BUT GUESS WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE A COMPLETE TWAT PEOPLE ARE LAUGHING AT YOU PULL YOUR PANTS UP LOSER!! And I bet you've got a cold bum.

The radio stations. OR LACK THEREOF!!! Would it kill you to have a radio station that played anything other than cock rock, whiny emo crap and the worst shittiest crappiest fourth rate hip hop? THERE IS SO MUCH GOOD MUSIC OUT THERE GO AND FIND IT YOU FUCKERS!!!

And the wrapping on EVERYTHING!! Our new phone book arrived the other day. It was wrapped in a plastic bag, and then wrapped in another plastic bag. Why? NO FUCKING IDEA!!! I go to the supermarket and they put TWO ITEMS IN A BAG AND ITS NOT LIKE THINGS THAT WILL MESS UP OTHER THINGS I think they have a deal going with the people who manufacture plastic bags to use up loads of them, same with the people who put milk in those tiny wee packets, who individually wrap teabags, and who have packet sugar everywhere instead of sugar bowls COS BUGGER THE PLANET AYE?!?!

I also hate that the light in my room just conked out, that I have a headache, that I have a ridiculous amount of work to do in the next seven weeks, that I got shitty marks for my first two civil-military relations papers and now I have to write stellar papers for the next two to up my marks to the level to which I have become accustomed, that I lost half this blog and had to rewrite it, that windows media player is shit at being random, that I know iTunes and winamp are better but all the times I have tried to import all my tunes into either of them something goes wrong and I don't have time to fix it, that I have a hundred photos in my computer waiting to be organised and named that I don't have time to fix, that I have been away from my family for longer than I care to count, that its cold, that its eleven o'clock and I still have work to do, that I've only lost about four pounds, and that I only feel mildly better after ranting than before.

Right, back to the salt mines then.

Monday Hottie
or,
Reason # 475 why cricket is the finest sport there is

It features players such as the talented and ridiculously good-looking Daniel Vettori (who is celebrating because we beat the West Indies by ten wickets, thus winning the test series).

........sigh.......

Interpol shizzles my nizzle

I have a friend, his name is Tim, and although he never updates his blog he's still cool cos he sent me the link to an mp3 of Interpol live.
Unfortunately, I don't know how to save it to my computer without buying a Quicktime upgrade thingy. Said Quicktime upgrade thingy costs $30 and being a poor student, thats a little outside my budget.
Suggestions in the box please.

Hmmm. Unless I download it directly from npr.

From such crooked wood as that which man is made of, nothing straight can be fashioned - Immanuel Kant

Right so all those who thought there was something perhaps a little wonky about me?
You were right.
I am wonky, crooked, twisted, bent, warped, deformed and generally not right.
Its official now.
I have been seeing a chiropractor, because I've had a headache for about three months and I got a little sick of it. As you do. Anyhoo, this nice chiropractor has been adjusting my neck and spine a little, but wanted to get some preliminary x-rays to get a good picture of what a mess my body is I mean to check the precise alignment (or lack thereof as it turned out) of my spine.

And as it transpires I have scoliosis.

I have a curve in my spine where there is not supposed to be a curve, pretty much exactly the same as the nice lady in the photo. I am also missing a curve in my neck where there is supposed to be one, further exacerbating my crippple-ness. Also adding to my general theme of "lets have curves in all the wrong places".
So now my chiropractor has 18 insurance funded appointments to remedy 30 years of gammy spine.
Although, I'm pretty sure that the hundreds of times I got thrown off my horse had something to do with it. So maybe 20 years. Anyhoo.

I AM A CRIPPLE!!!! ARGH!!!! insert cripple jokes here.

Hey, does this mean I can get all the good seats at concerts? Cos that would be SWEET!!!!

Also, I nearly had a complete meltdown earlier today. You know that feeling when you've had a deep tissue massage or a chiropractic adjustment? And you feel magic for a day, and then all the nasty toxins and lactic acid that were in your muscles and ligaments that were released make you feel like complete shit but there's no definate one thing that feels like crap you just get in an inexplicably thunderously raging mood because all these toxins are rushing through your body which is trying desperately to get rid of them because they're poison?

Just me? Ok.

Well my latest occurence of that had the misfortune to coincide with me being at school trying to print shit out and the computers in my department SUCK ARSE ten different ways as does the printer which was this close (very very close) to being thrown out the window. Its entirely possible I said "motherfucker cunting fucking shitfuck arse" twenty times in the space of about ten minutes. Quite a feat, really.

Right well I'm going to take my crippled arse downstairs for some food.
WAAAAAHHHHHH. BEING A CRIPPLE SUCKS!!!!
Although I have complete faith in my crippled-ness generating some significant humour.

Man, Sarah is going to have a field day with this. We always have nicknames for each other, from Pancho and Cisco in high school, to Smelly and Slappy in recent years. For a brief period there I was Cripple and she was Tard (retard, get it? hur hur) and I think perhaps we are due for a revival.

BRING THE CRIPPLE JOKES!!!!!

In lieu of anything interesting to write, we here at Planet Claire would like to present you with a poetic interlude, to enhance your cultural experience

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go my dear and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and its you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

e.e. cummings

Mis-shapes, mistakes, misfits, raised on a diet of broken biscuits....

I know its been a few days since I've written a post, and as much as I'd love to write a post right now about how its supposed to be spring but its snowing, and all the wonderful things I've been doing during my holiday, I HAVE TO GO AND DRINK BEER NOW. WITH MY FRIENDS!!!!
Man, its tough at the top.

I am the son, and the heir, of a shyness that is criminally vulgar...

Blogger just had a tanty at me. Lippy bitch.

Todays observations include the following:
- my room is a shit tip
- apparently two and a half glasses of wine are sufficient to generate a hangover in a sad old cow like myself
- My IPE prof is the business
- snow + rain = slush; slush = wet feet
- CSI Warrick Brown is still hot like fire
- Thai green curry with veges and coconut milk is fantastic
- I often am not completely aware what day it is
- I really have nothing to blog about today.

Regained your self control and regained your self esteem and blind your success inspired and analyse despise and scrutinise never knowing what you hope for and safe and warm but life is so silent for the victims who have no speech

I am in an EXTREMELY FUCKING WEIRD MOOD!!
Ok so listening to Manic St Preachers is always good for that, but I think thats an effect, not a cause.
So, I finished my IPE paper. Technically it was two papers but hey. Done. Like a dinner.

La tristesse durera

Because neither of us have ever been in the cool girl's clique, Holly and I are starting our own.

I know I believe in nothing but it is my nothing.

There is so much that I sometimes want to just let out of my head and into this blog because its a particular version of me but I know that people who read this will ask questions and then I'll have to explain things and I can't even say the words to describe it let alone explain myself so I'm not going to and why the fuck am I thinking about it now what the fuck is up with that.

Lebensraum, kulturkampf, raus raus, fila fila

I miss my family so much sometimes then I try and make it go away but it never really helps its just me projecting stuff which is never good.

I am all the things that you regret, a truth that washes, that learnt to spell

My best friend's brother is getting married on Saturday and I wish like nobody's business I could be there to share it with her.

If you tolerate this your children will be next.

In 71 days I will be thirty.

Self worth scatters, self esteem's a bore, I long since moved to a higher plateau

Let's start a fire, Let's start a riot, Yeah it's awful, It was punk, it was perfect now
it's awful, They know how to break all the girls like you, And the rob the souls of
the girls like you, And they break the hearts of girls...

/sarcastic font

My day today was FANTASTIC!!!!!!
I got up HORRENDOUSLY early to catch a bus which I stood out in the FREEZING COLD for 20 minutes waiting for only to discover that the bus had come past WAY early and I had missed it so I had to go home and call a taxi and pay $15 to get to the DENTIST when a bus would have cost ONE DOLLAR and I'm too skint to afford taxis.

Then I get to the dentist and get a FILLING which HURT because it was on the tooth next to my FUCKED UP tooth that needs the old root canal removed and a new one done but I have to wait until I get home in May for that because it will cost ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS if I get it done here and much less at home because I won't pay I'll tell the dentist he fucked it up cos he did and he can fix it for free AND IF HES GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT HE CAN TAKE IT UP WITH MY LAWYER (note to self: get lawyer).

Then I NEARLY CHOKED TO DEATH on some stray amalgalm and had all sorts of ICKY TASTING THINGS in my mouth like dental instruments and chemicals yucky.

And then I waited in the FREEZING COLD for a bus that took HALF AN HOUR to arrive when it was supposed to take ten minutes then I finally got to university having had to get another bus after that and had a meeting and bought a birthday present for my nephew and then I had an appointment with the doctor the details of which I will not go into suffice to say GIRLS WE ALL KNOW ABOUT THOSE REALLY CHARMING DOCTOR'S VISITS DON'T WE.

And now I have to write my IPE paper which is actually ok cos I heart IPE in the worst possible way (I think my nerd rating just flew off the scale) but to do so I have to read BHAGWATI who is just WRONG ABOUT SO MUCH and he makes me angry because HE BASES HIS ARGUMENTS ON FLAWED PREMISES like the universal applicability of liberal democratic institutions and the notion that ALL PEOPLE ARE INHERENTLY CAPITALISTS and the only reason people object to economic globalisation is because THEY DON'T KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT IT which is dumb.

So there.

First It Giveth...

Fuck!!!
I'm sitting her writing a paper thats due at 10am ie in less that ten hours and I've written four pages and have said nearly half of what I want to say and its only supposed to be about six pages so Oh Shit and I decided to take a break and read some blogs and so I go to read the blog of my blog crush and as I'm doing so I turn the tunes on and the first tune that starts is first it giveth then it taketh away and I'm reading blog crush's blog and he said he quit blogging and thats it thats all its over and my friend Josh is singing first it giveth then it taketh away and I'm thinking fucking hell Josh you always know what's going on also FUCK NOW MY SUPER HOT BLOG CRUSH HAS QUIT BLOGGING HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CHECK HIM OUT NOW THIS IS WAY SADDER THAN IT SHOULD BE FUCK SHIT ARSE CUNTY TITWANK BOLLOCKS

I really need a holiday. And quite possibly a cup of tea and a lie down.

Test me like a bomb straight from Mururoa...

Today I went to class and was late and ate a bagel and went to the gym and walked home and cooked myself some fucking eggs and read my books for class and posted comments on the readings on the class webpage which only works through stupid internet explorer and talked Patrick in Adelaide in msn and chatted to Ben in Christchurch and Gwen in Michigan and Hester in Wellington on Google chat then had to turn my pooter off because its DISTRACTING THERES SO MANY SHINY PRETTY THINGS TO LOOK AT and then I made a kick-arse chicken salad and ate it while watching Lost not much Sawyer but good nonetheless and now I'm chatting to Grace and listening to Pitch Black and blogging life is good.

I was thinking.
Its been such a long time since I've had a really good snog. My friend was most disappointed in me that I didn't get a snog in Toronto.
I think I was a little disappointed in myself.

OK that will be all.